What Do I Do if My Child is Being Bullied? Bullying stories to make a change

What Do I Do if My Child is Being Bullied?  Bullying is a target word anymore.  Kids cry that they’re being “bullied” even when it’s harmless teasing.  How can you tell the difference and what do you do if your child is being bullied?

I had gum put in my hair.  I had glasses and REALLY frizzy hair, a giant retainer and then braces.  Life wasn’t pretty back then.  I wouldn’t say it’s especially pretty now… but I hope you get the picture. 🙂

I seriously need a picture of me when I was about 12…. I’m going to work on that.

This post was originally written in May 2014, but has been updated.

Anyway, I learned how to know that I was good and OK.  I didn’t need my mom to fight my battles.  I didn’t need to care what everyone thought.  Here’s a newsflash, people still tease me now.  Most of the time I know if I dish it, I need to take it — but sometimes my dander gets up.  Which, of course, is a shame since I am allergic to dander.

But, I digress.

I see posts on Facebook about people’s kids being bullied by being called names or not being played with at recess.

And I just don’t think that’s bullying.  When I think bullying, I think the kid in A Christmas Story that comes and pounds that kid like crazy until he’s bleeding.

Of course, that’s extreme.

I actually turned this post into a podcast where I interview one of my favorite teachers in Episode 006 of the Pulling Curls Podcast — where we talk about when is the best time to step in or stay away:

My Child is Being Bullied

I would say that my mother dander hasn’t particularly gone up for my kids.  Sure, they get called names and feel like no one is playing with them.  Sure, I get called names and I sometimes feel like no one is playing with me.  Because I live with imperfect humans who are trying to be funny and survive in their own way.

I have learned to become a duck and let the water slide right off.

Are we raising kids without their duck skin?  Are we raising kids who allow each bit of water to enter their skin and weaken them a bit?

For me, when my kids have complaints of “bullying” (and they too have found this to be a “trigger” word and sometimes use it).  I come back with these:

BTW, I think this kind of stuff can seem SO hard when the rest of your life is already really heavy on your shoulders. Have you considered getting in some easy routines to make your family days easier, and you’re more able to handle crazy situations like this?

What to ask your kid when they say they’ve been bullied

1.  How was your day? — sometimes your day is just rotten, so whatever anyone does you feel like you’re being bullied by life and that person just put a face to the bully.  It’s understandable.  I sing them Let It Go — often in my amazing opera voice. 🙂

2.  I ask them if that is someone they value?  I mean, if someone I could care less about says something mean to me — I don’t really care.  They need to decide whose opinions they value.  You can’t value everyone’s because we’re all so different.  I am learning this as I get more comments on my blog.  Someone called me ignorant about healthcare last week.  It got my dander up.  {let it go}

3.  I ask them if what they said is true?  Like, if they smell — have they not taken a shower?  Positive peer pressure rocks!  That’s not bullying, that’s GETTING MY KIDS TO SHOWER.  Thank you!

4.  I give them a hug.  Sometimes you just need a hug and that makes it fine.  Sometimes I just need a hug.  I know how that feels.

5.  I evaluate it.  I’m not saying that there isn’t bullying.  But I find bullying to be consistent, VERY mean spirited, often physically harmful or at least emotionally quite harmful.  And then it might be time to act.

How to decide if it’s bullying or teasing?

Every situation there is different, I am sure your mom-sense {similar to spider sense} will react in a way that you KNOW something is wrong.

A lot of the time I only have one side of the story and I will query his teacher to find out the other side of the story.  She often knows the truth and already has a handle on the situation.

Who to talk to if your child has a bully

Of course, if the teacher is not handling it I would bring it up to the principal or the assistant principal.  In the hospital, when we — as nurses — feel like we or patients are bieng bullied into something unsafe we move it up the “chain of command”.

In the school district that looks like this:

Teacher >> Assistant principal >> Principal >> Superintendent >> School board {not sure who’s after that, and it may vary depending on your state}

Tips for moving up the “chain of command”

1.  Start with an email or a voicemail (I think teachers rarely check voicemail anymore, so email is often the best)
2.  Have a phone call or an in-person visit with the teacher.  You will be able to communicate clearer in person
3.  If you still feel like the problem isn’t being solved, move up — and send an email to the principal, then a phone call or an in person visit.

**If you are really finding that the principal is uninterested in your problem or isn’t taking action (sometimes they’re all talk) — I might consider switching schools.  If you REALLY think your child is that unsafe at that school, that’s a problem — and it will be hard to trust anything about that school.

Keep in mind that school teachers & administration are not able to talk to you about the consequences for other students as there are privacy concerns.  So, just because they don’t SAY exactly what happed, doesn’t mean something didn’t happen.

However, as much as you complain about the other side, you also need to arm your child with the tools to handle simple “bullying”:

Toolbox for bullying

1.  Self-esteem.  Build them up, help them see strong characteristics that they possess.  Both parents need to be actively involved in building up your child’s self-image.
2. Positive inner voice.  Help them see how they can remind themselves that they’re OK in their head.  Positive self-talk can take you a lot of places and can often replace what they’re hearing outside their own brain.
3. Talk to someone they trust.  They can talk to a teacher about how they’re feeling and get resources from other adults — this is a SUPER important skill.  That adult can often help build their self-esteem (the more voices the better).  The adult can also discern a bit more easily if this is a situation that needs intervention.
4. Talk about situations and how they can handle it.  Do they walk away?  Do they become witty and find a retort?  “So’s your mom”…..

Anyway, those are my thoughts?  What do you think?  Do you think bullying has become a “code” word for anything your kid doesn’t like?  Turns out I bully my kids into cleaning their room every day.  That’s just how I am.  Deal with it kiddos!

Please join me in Family Routines so you can have more bandwidth to deal with crazy issues like this (because you home life will be running itself).

If you’re not quite ready for Family Routines, check out Practical Parenting — a free parenting class that might give you some new ideas for old problems;