Optimism with No Reason

It has been a rough week for me.  I started the week with an “I am over it” type attitude.  Sadly, that didn’t continue into the rest of the week.  It’s hard for me to articulate how we can feel so good about our future, even though every indicator seems to point otherwise.

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I find myself wanting to do these updates daily, because they are cathartic, and it’s nice to put my feelings down where I can read them later on.

In case you’re new to my blog — my husband resigned from his teaching job for many reasons (which I hope to get into at some point). This is effective in less than 2 weeks.  He has decided to take the collegiate route and has applied many places with, currently, no interviews.

So, that is where are at.  He has applied for almost 2 months at this point.  He has had a few email replies that they are still reviewing things and his application is still in there.

And my insides want to curl up into a ball and stay that way.

He has applied a lot of places and I SO desperately need a bit of validation that this is the right course for our family.  The thing is, I do feel that validation when I pray.  Sundays are such a day of renewal for me.

I have a secret.

Let me take you back to last December.  I dreaded church.  I really felt like there was an unseen source pushing me away from church, but I also felt a VERY strong pull towards church from my ancestors.  That sounds stupid as I say it.  Each Sunday morning, when considering going to church from about November though January/February I just didn’t want to go.  I would literally consider what would happen if I didn’t go.  I would drag myself to church.  Quite basically because that is what we always do.  I wasn’t to the point where I was ready to stop going.  I just hated being there.  BUT, each time I would go there would be a weird nudge from people who have passed on.  Be it a song we sung or the way I felt.  Again, this sounds very wee-gie board and awkward to type, but I felt as though I should share it.  Because right now church is the ONLY thing pulling me through.  I feel a warm blanket placed on my shoulders when I’ve been trapped in an avalanche all week.

And I wonder what was pulling me away from the church before.  I know Joseph Smith had a horrible sensation before he had the first vision.  I very much believe that Satan is real, and he can mess with us in ways we aren’t aware of.  He also knows some of the future and can push hard at a crossroads.  I believe all that, and now — in retrospect, I think he was doing that to me.

It was my manger, one day, that really pulled me out of my slump.  I’ll be forever grateful for what she said.  She basically just said “stop it” — and that touched a chord in me, and I did.  I’ve enjoyed church since then.  I’m so glad I’m able to.  Again, because it is my “resting pose” as they call it in yoga.

Anyway, it’s been a hard week.  My faith only really carries me through Monday and then I feel like my canteen is empty and I am coasting on fumes the rest of the week.  By the time I get to Friday sometimes I just can’t do it anymore.  I just put on Netflix because being productive is the least of my desires.

I feel SO strongly that there is something good out there for us.  We have attended the temple, when we are at church and when I BEG God to give me something.  He does.  It’s that feeling that things are going to work out.

It’s learning that THAT is enough that is hard on me.  The faith in the feeling is hard.

But, the feeling is VERY strong, and consistant. Whenver I ask.

And I can’t tell you how meaningful it is to talk to friends who get it, who really feel like something good is out there for us.  People who understand “gut” feelings (be they religious or not) are my true friends right now.  I really appreciate them.  I really can’t articulate it any more how much I appreciate it.

I can’t take the friends who want to give me a reality check.  Not ONE friend has any firmer grip on the reality of this situation more than me.  I can guarantee that.  I grew up in a college household, I know what it takes to get a college job and the politics and all that jazz.  I know Drew doesn’t have a doctorate.  All I know is we were lead here for a reason, and I am insanely hopeful there is another step in this wonderful journey we have been able to call our life.

Today was the Kindergarten Mother’s day tea.  I tried so hard to stay in the moment, and realize it’s my last kindergartener forever.  She said she loves me because I am “so friendly”.  She also said I am 50 years old.  I love that sweet girl, most of the time.

I also asked for “Dress Your Truth” for Mother’s Day.  I got it a little early.  I’ve enjoyed not having to think about this and instead thinking about myself and enhancing who I really am.  Can you guess what type I am?  Hint:  It’s probably the type who deals the least well with uncertainty.  Yay for me!

I am working on being present and loving my life.  Not looking at the future as much as my mind wants to.  I am working on capturing the feeling I get when I talk with God.  I know He is out there, he loves me and he has a plan for me.  It will come.

If you’re interested in more of our job loss journey — check these posts out!

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