Welcome to another episode of The Pulling Curls Podcast: Pregnancy & Parenting Untangled. Today, in Episode 227, we are joined by Winter Redd to discuss a profoundly touching subject—’Rainbow Babies’. Winter shares her personal journey of pregnancy after experiencing the heartbreak of a stillbirth, exploring the complexities of navigating hope, grief, and the joys of expecting anew. We’ll delve into the emotional landscape of becoming pregnant after a loss, the anxiety it can bring, and the ways to cope with fear and foster attachment. This episode is an important one for anyone who has faced loss or is walking the delicate path towards healing and hope with a new life on the way. Join host Hilary Erickson as we untangle the emotional threads of Rainbow Babies.
Find it here on Apple or Spotify Podcasts
Today’s guest is Winter Redd. Winter cohosts with her husband Lee, the Still A Part of Us podcast, a show about stillbirth and infant loss. They started this podcast after their son Brannan was born still at 38 weeks. We interview moms and dads who have experienced a similar loss, so they have a chance to tell the birth and life story of their baby.
Links for you:
Winter’s previous episode on parenting through stillbirth.
Winter’s interview with Anna.
Winter’s interview with Kirby.
Winter’s interview with Jinu.
Timestamps:
00:00 July 2018, devastated, anxious for another baby.
05:24 Pandemic allowed privacy during pregnancy after loss.
08:23 Monitoring baby’s movements for peace of mind.
12:58 Counselor urges positive thinking for pregnancy outcome.
13:54 Choosing a name, bonding with baby Felix.
17:33 Mixing up family names is natural.
23:55 Mel Robbins encourages envisioning best case scenarios.
25:24 Remembering deceased child helps grieving parents cope.
28:16 Pregnant after loss? Here’s some support.
Keypoints:
- Pregnancy After Loss: The episode features guest Winter Redd sharing her personal journey of pregnancy after experiencing a heartbreaking stillbirth at 38 weeks, conveying the complexities and emotional challenges involved.
- Navigating Grief and Anxiety: The discussion addresses the prevalence of stillbirths and miscarriages, acknowledging the increased anxiety they can cause for parents during subsequent pregnancies.
- The Pandemic’s Privacy: Winter Redd describes the unexpected sense of relief provided by the COVID-19 pandemic’s privacy, allowing her to navigate her emotions without the external pressure usually associated with pregnancy after a loss.
- Support Systems: Hilary Erickson emphasizes the importance of having a solid support network and the necessity of love and attachment during pregnancy, even when fearing loss.
- Naming and Bonding: Winter and her husband bond with their baby early on, naming him Felix, and forging an emotional connection despite fears and past trauma.
- Dealing with Guilt: The episode candidly explores feelings of detachment and guilt that can arise during pregnancy and after the birth of a child following a loss, normalizing them as part of the healing process.
- Rainbow Babies: Although the symbolism of “rainbow babies” as a sign of hope is discussed, Hilary Erickson reveals her personal decision not to label her child under this term to avoid attaching the weight of past loss.
- Advocacy in Healthcare: Hilary underscores the critical role of self-advocacy in healthcare after a loss, sharing her experience of switching doctors to a stillbirth expert and seeking couple’s therapy for emotional support.
- Podcast Resources: “Still a Part of Us” is recommended as a helpful podcast for those who have experienced a loss. However, Hilary advises against listening while pregnant due to its emotional content.
- Continuation and Remembrance: As the episode concludes, Hilary Erickson reflects on maintaining a connection with the child lost, imagining his personality at five years old and addressing the social discomfort around stillbirth and loss. The next episode is teased to cover postpartum sleep challenges.
Producer: Drew Erickson
Transcript
[00:00:00.960] – Hilary Erickson
Hey, guys. Welcome back to the Pulling Curls Podcast. Today, we are talking about managing pregnancy after a stillbirth or a loss, so let’s untangle it.
[00:00:10.910] – Hilary Erickson
Hi, I’m Hilary, a serial overcomplicator. I’m also a nurse, mom to three, and the curly head behind Pulling Curls and the Pregnancy Nurse. This podcast aims to help us stop overcomplicating things and remember how much easier it is to keep things simple. Let’s smooth out those snarls with Pregnancy and Parenting Untangled, the Pulling Curls Podcast.
[00:00:39.010] – Hilary Erickson
Okay, today’s guest I actually went to high school with. She is the voice behind the Still A Part Of Us podcast. I want to introduce today’s guest, Winter Redd.
[00:00:49.300] – Hilary Erickson
Hey, Winter. Welcome to the Pulling Curls Podcast.
[00:00:52.410] – Winter Redd
Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much for having me on. I’m so excited to be here.
[00:00:56.480] – Hilary Erickson
The Two Timer Club. Welcome.
[00:00:59.430] – Winter Redd
Yes. I know. I’m so excited.
[00:01:02.270] – Hilary Erickson
So Winter, last time you were on, I don’t think you were even pregnant with your last baby, right?
[00:01:09.570] – Winter Redd
I think that’s right. Yeah.
[00:01:11.930] – Hilary Erickson
So that’s why we had you on, because I wanted to talk about the struggles that you have being pregnant after you’ve had a loss, because I think it’s a lot, and I think people need to understand that it’s a lot.
[00:01:22.850] – Hilary Erickson
Also, Winter seems like she would cope with it really well. You have a podcast about this. You work through it very frequently on the interwebs. But I was talking to you last night and you were like, I don’t think I cope very well at all. So I think that’s important to know as well.
[00:01:38.160] – Winter Redd
Yeah, I was a hot mess. I can keep my crap together on the outside, but I was a hot mess the entire time. So I think that’s one of the things that I just want to tell people that it’s okay to be a hot mess, because why would you expect it to be easy? I don’t think it is easy. I don’t think it’s…
[00:01:55.700] – Winter Redd
Yeah, it was hard. It was very, very hard. And my husband struggled told, too. He was anxious for me, doubly. He was watching after me, and then he was dealing with his own crap, too. So it’s not easy. So if you can convey that to your audience, it is not easy.
[00:02:12.500] – Hilary Erickson
Yeah. Okay, so let’s briefly go over the timeline. So you had your loss when?
[00:02:19.010] – Winter Redd
So it was July 2018, and we were devastated. And I felt really anxious about like, Oh, we need to have another baby, that not having a baby in your arms is a real feeling where you’re just like, I’m missing something.
[00:02:34.760] – Winter Redd
My husband, however, was like, Let’s hold on a second. Let’s make sure that we’re okay mentally and physically and all of those other things. And so we calmed down.
[00:02:44.920] – Winter Redd
The thing that actually helped me through that entire year was to start a podcast because we talk about stillbirth and infant loss on our podcast. And that creating that little internet baby, in a sense, helped us because we got to talk to a lot of people that had had losses just like we did. And it was very helpful to have a community created because of that.
[00:03:07.870] – Hilary Erickson
Yeah.
[00:03:08.900] – Winter Redd
However, I-
[00:03:09.770] – Hilary Erickson
You should say that you had a late loss. You were like 38 weeks, 36?
[00:03:13.810] – Winter Redd
Oh, yes. 38 weeks. Yeah. And just one day, I just didn’t feel him. And I was like, that’s weird. Let’s maybe go check that out. And it was just devastating. Came out of left field, had never really acknowledged stillbirth as a thing that could happen to me.
[00:03:31.970] – Hilary Erickson
Yeah. And I mean, if you are pregnant listening, A, this may not be the episode for you. But also it is rare. So it’s luckily, it doesn’t happen real frequently. Do you have a stat on stillbirths?
[00:03:47.480] – Winter Redd
Winter? Yeah, I think it’s one in 160. It happens more often than you think. And you would think that in this day and age, it would not be as common of occurrence, but it happens.
[00:03:59.270] – Hilary Erickson
And is that a stillbirth or a miscarriage?
[00:04:04.160] – Winter Redd
I think that’s stillbirth. That’s specifically stillbirth.
[00:04:06.820] – Hilary Erickson
Because early miscarriages are- happens quite a bit. More frequently than, yeah. But can still be devastating and can still make you nervous on your next one. So a lot of people are like, Oh, well, she had a late loss. That’s totally different. And I’m like, well, either way, it comes with a lot of anxiety about how things are progressing at any point in your pregnancy.
[00:04:25.860] – Winter Redd
Yeah. And the funny thing that I like to tell people is that, and we could talk about this a little bit later, but we had a miscarriage before we had our stillbirth. And so our stillbirth should have been our rainbow baby, but that didn’t work out for us either. Does that make sense? Yes. So you just don’t know how it’s all going to come down, so go out and come down to it.
[00:04:48.710] – Hilary Erickson
Yes.
[00:04:49.320] – Winter Redd
Yeah.
[00:04:50.530] – Hilary Erickson
Okay. So you had the stillbirth, and then how much longer until you got pregnant? Did you get pregnant right away, or did you try for a long time?
[00:05:01.160] – Winter Redd
We waited, and then we started talking about what we wanted to do. We decided to maybe start in 2019, 2020. I don’t ovulate, really. So I was like, I know I’m going to have to go on Clomid or all that fun stuff. And so we got pregnant March of 2020.
[00:05:24.150] – Hilary Erickson
Nice timing.
[00:05:25.020] – Winter Redd
So, in the height of the pandemic. I know. It was kind of nice, I’m going to be honest, because pregnancy after a loss, people get super excited for you, like super, super excited for you. And it can feel almost like your loss is being ignored or that now everything’s going to be better. And that is not the case. And so honestly, being during the pandemic, it was nice not having everybody really know too much because we weren’t out and about. We were posting on social media, mostly. So it was nice to just hunker down and not be seen.
[00:06:03.460] – Hilary Erickson
Yeah, that’s one way to hide your pregnancy, start a pandemic.
[00:06:06.390] – Winter Redd
Yeah, exactly. We totally planned it.
[00:06:10.650] – Hilary Erickson
Okay, and that was how much longer after your loss? How long did you take to regroup?
[00:06:17.940] – Winter Redd
So like I said, I think it was probably about a year that we really thought about whether or not we want to get pregnant again. Okay, and this is another thing. I was 41 when I had our stillbirth. And that was hard because I’m like, oh, do I have another baby? And if I do, I need to get on it. It felt like, right? But then we waited. We felt like that was good for healing for ourselves. And then, like I said, we started trying to get pregnant end of 2019.
[00:06:52.890] – Winter Redd
And that’s when things started to… We did, I think, two or three rounds of Clomid before we got pregnant in 2020. So it took us some time to deliberate about that. And I think people need to know that they don’t have to rush into it. Some people do, and that’s fine. Whatever feels right for your family and what that looks like, it maybe made more sense for me to get pregnant quicker because I was getting older. But I’m just going to be an old mom, so there’s that.
[00:07:20.230] – Hilary Erickson
I mean, everybody’s an old mom. I think I got asked four or five times if I was Connor’s nanny. No big deal. I wish I was just his nanny. I would like to take some time off.
[00:07:34.700] – Winter Redd
Yeah, exactly. Can I get paid more?
[00:07:36.570] – Hilary Erickson
Yeah. Okay, so do you have any tips for how you coped or good ideas you had during your pregnancy, or honestly, good ideas you’ve had from other people because you interview so many different moms on how to cope during that pregnancy, because I know there is so much anxiety during your pregnancy.
[00:07:53.910] – Winter Redd
Yeah. Okay, so the few things that… Because I was thinking about this, I had super high the anxiety the entire time. It felt like I was holding my breath the entire time that I was pregnant. I’ve heard a number of people say that same thing. I implemented a few things that I felt were super helpful in regards to quelling my anxiety. They’re just simple tools.
[00:08:17.310] – Winter Redd
I had a home Doppler. So once I could figure out where my baby’s heartbeat was, I checked it regularly. And that just gave me a little bit of peace of mind. I realized that that doesn’t mean anything in regards to how the baby is doing, but it did give me peace of mind.
[00:08:32.470] – Winter Redd
The second thing I used a ton of, and I am a huge advocate of this, is counting kicks. And there’s a Count the Kick app if you want to use that. I’m sure there’s other things on there, but I really like the Count the Kick app. It’s very simple. You just sit down and find 10 minutes so you can sit down and count, and you just tap this little foot, little icon on the app, and it will just tell you track how many movements they have in a certain amount of time.
[00:08:57.600] – Winter Redd
Now, one thing I do want to point out with movements, your baby’s movements, I have been shocked at how many times that I’ve interviewed somebody, and they were like, Oh, yeah, the baby was super active right before we found out that they passed away. And like crazy, crazy movements.
[00:09:19.540] – Winter Redd
And that also is a sign that they could be in distress. So not just decreased movement, but like crazy movements that are out of the ordinary. And I think the Count the Kids app does a good job of like, Oh, my baby trends around this area. And so that’s super helpful to use.
[00:09:38.790] – Winter Redd
And then I was one of those, and you being an L&D nurse, and had to deal with probably people that had still… Losses. I called into my office a lot, and I went in extra for non-stress tests because I just felt like I needed those extra things. I don’t think I went in too often, but there was a a couple of times when I was like, Yeah, I’m just going to check it out. And so I think that’s another thing, just to be an advocate for yourself in the health care field, wherever that looks like for you.
[00:10:08.970] – Winter Redd
If you’re with a midwife or if you’re at a hospital, whatever that looks like, I think it’s always good just to be an make it for yourself, especially in the light of your loss. Because you hope your doctor has your interest in mind, but they have a lot of other people that they’re taking care of, too. So you got to speak up for yourself.
[00:10:26.390] – Hilary Erickson
Yes. And I will say on the other end of that, when somebody You mentioned you had previously had a loss. It just reminds us, we’re going to be so on board with you coming in to check NSTs, anything like that. We understand your anxiety.
[00:10:42.020] – Hilary Erickson
If, sadly, if you were a mom that maybe hadn’t had a loss and you’re coming in frequently, we would be like, Come on, get it together. We shouldn’t. We might. But also, I want to say that doctors… Did you have the same doctor both times, both pregnancies?
[00:10:57.030] – Winter Redd
I didn’t. I actually changed my doctor. I went with a stillbirth birth expert. He just does research on it, and so he just knew what to look for a little bit more. He was a maternal fetal medicine doc, so that was helpful.
[00:11:08.880] – Hilary Erickson
I will say that when we have doctors who have had a stillbirth with a patient and then they deliver a successful delivery, You can just feel a weight lifted off of them. Doctors do feel incredibly guilty when there’s a stillbirth, even though there’s often nothing that they could have done any differently.
[00:11:25.410] – Hilary Erickson
But when they have that positive outcome, you can see them just inside so happy. I think a lot of people are like, Oh, we’re completely removed. That is not the case. Your doctor feels all these things frequently because we see stillbirths more than every person. So I just want to say we’re all on your team, but as you said, your doctor has a lot on his plate. They want to support you as much as they can, but sometimes they don’t even know how to support you best. So, yeah.
[00:11:53.860] – Winter Redd
Yeah. Just speak up for yourself. I think it’s always a good thing.
[00:11:56.770] – Hilary Erickson
Yes.
[00:11:57.560] – Winter Redd
I was going to mention one of the things that super helped both Lee and I, we started going to therapy together as a couple right when we found out we were pregnant. I know that sounds like we should have been doing it before that, but I was like, I am going to be a hot mess, so let’s just start talking through this if we can.
[00:12:18.240] – Winter Redd
Now, therapy is not for everybody. I’m a huge advocate of therapy, whatever that looks like, because that can be a lot of different things. One of the things that I was really having a hard time with was attaching to the baby. I was so worried and I had unconsciously… I was like, Oh, it’s the baby. I was not showing forth any love or attachment to the baby.
[00:12:45.340] – Winter Redd
And I didn’t realize that until we just started talking and that I was so worried and stressed out about it, that it was just this thing in the future that once this baby got here, it would be fine. And she helped walk us through this.
[00:13:01.600] – Winter Redd
And I’m going to just go through what she told to us, because this was very helpful to me, is that she said, what was the worst thing that can happen during this pregnancy? I was like, well, we could have another loss. He could die. And then she said, well, what happened when you had your last loss? And we talked about how difficult it was. But then she’s like, who were the people that showed up for you? And we named off all those people. And she’s like, are you on the other side of things? And we’re like, well, we’re still in the middle of it, but we are alive. I mean, that’s something. She’s like, yeah. And you had so much support along the way.
[00:13:37.360] – Winter Redd
So instead of thinking of the worst case scenario, and even if the worst case scenario did happen, let’s maybe approach it with love and attachment to this baby because this baby deserves the love and attention from us as well as much as our other son did. And so we really started to approach it like, yeah, we’re going to plan for this baby. We decided We decided on a name really quickly, and that was a big deal for us because it took us a long time to name our other son, Brandon.
[00:14:06.590] – Winter Redd
And so this time we decided on a name, we talked about it, and we started calling him that. And his name is Felix, and he is one happy little dude. And we’re so grateful that we started to make that bond early on because, like I said, I was just like, I can’t deal. So hopefully that helps somebody just like, you might not be attaching to this baby if you’re trying protect yourself, I guess, from a loss.
[00:14:32.030] – Hilary Erickson
Yeah. And honestly, I think a lot of times people don’t attach very well to their baby. It could be an unexpected baby, something they’re not ready for. I’ve had friends who were like, I was not ready to have another baby, and I’m pregnant, and I’m really having a hard time because they have other kids. And sometimes that even lasts after delivery. And I think we have to say this is normal. It’s okay. They all still love their kids now. It’s so long to love that child.
[00:14:59.220] – Winter Redd
Yeah. So It’s totally fine. It was so surprising that I was like, Oh, of course I would love that child. But then you’re like, Oh, I wasn’t really getting too close to that kid. So it’s interesting that it happens to so many of us.
[00:15:13.360] – Hilary Erickson
Yeah, and that’s okay. And then he was born in great pregnancy. You got induced a little bit early, right?
[00:15:21.750] – Winter Redd
I did. And my doctor was like, well, technically you’re doing okay. And he’s like, we should go to 39 weeks. And I was like, I hate you. I was mad about it. And he said, well, if your anxiety is going to prevent you feeling okay about this and it’s going to drive up your blood pressure or something, then we can induce you at 38 weeks. And I said, that would be great. And he gave us the option of New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day, which year we wanted a tax deduction.
[00:15:53.080] – Winter Redd
So we had our son on New Year’s Eve, 2020. And he has been a a huge blessing to us. I cannot believe how much guilt was involved in his birth. I had a live baby, and it felt… Yeah. And I was like, I feel really guilty being happy. And that was really hard. So just be aware of that because the guilt does happen. And you’ll probably feel guilt during the pregnancy, too. Just not taking pictures as much of your pregnant baby bump or something like that. I was surprised at how I was withdrawn, I was and detached, like I said, I was.
[00:16:33.540] – Winter Redd
So just remember that the guilt does happen, and it’s okay. It happens to everybody.
[00:16:39.070] – Hilary Erickson
Yeah. What did you do with that guilt, especially in the delivery room? I’ve seen that on patients’ faces I’ve talked to them about it. Do you have any tips for processing that or just being okay with like, Yeah, there’s some guilt here. That’s fine?
[00:16:53.430] – Winter Redd
Yeah, I had to sit with the guilt for a long time. And one of the things that was actually a little bit of a turning point for me was our stillbirth, his name was Brandon, like I mentioned, and our new son’s name is Felix. And I found myself when we brought him home, calling Felix by Brandon’s name. A lot.
[00:17:16.290] – Winter Redd
I felt so guilty about that. I felt that Felix was getting the shaft once again. I wasn’t attaching to him as a baby. And then I also felt sad that Brandon was not alive. And I was like, I don’t like this. I don’t like that I’m calling him by the wrong name.
[00:17:36.400] – Winter Redd
And I realized that at one point in time, I was calling my sister something, and I called her by my daughter’s name, Lucy. And I was like, oh, in a family, you call your kids the wrong name, right? I do that all the time. I call Lucy by my sister’s name, and sometimes Felix by Lee’s name. And I was like, that’s a natural thing that happens in families. And I was like, this actually is a very natural thing for me to call Felix by the wrong name, because Brandon is a part of my family.
[00:18:08.560] – Winter Redd
He’s still a part of our family, even though he’s not physically here. So if that gives anybody a little bit of like, oh, don’t feel guilty about that, because you would do that anyway, if you were in a family. I don’t know, but as a mom, I’m yelling at people’s names. I just need to go through everybody’s name.
[00:18:26.600] – Hilary Erickson
Yeah. Paige gets mad when I call her a boy’s name. And I’m like, I’m not thinking gender. I’m just yelling at kids, okay? It’s just a reflex. It’s just who I am as a mom.
[00:18:36.720] – Winter Redd
Thank you. So if that helps at all, just remember, it’s a natural thing. You’re going to just feel guilty, and that’s okay. I mean, unfortunately, that’s okay.
[00:18:48.610] – Hilary Erickson
Yeah. And in some ways, it’s nice that he is part of your family, and he gets that name, right? That name is still being uttered in your house because he is a part of your family. Yeah. Okay, here’s a controversial issue, Winter. So I see Rainbow Baby. I swear, half the babies out there are rainbow babies, which is amazing. I love rainbows. I love the whole story that after Noah’s on the Ark, they see a rainbow, and they know that things are going to be okay, right?
[00:19:19.040] – Hilary Erickson
And I love that people have that thing, that they’re like, this showed me that life was going to go on, right? That’s my rainbow. And I love that. But sometimes, when we brought home second son after first son was born, I was like, look at him. He looks just like you. And he finally, he was just like, I don’t look anything like that. He is a baby, and I’m a big boy, and I’m so strong, and he is weak. And so when I see, when I hear people talking about my rainbow baby, especially after the baby’s born or the baby’s two, and they’re like, It’s a rainbow baby, I’m like, Does that ever put a lot on that baby to then have this previous stillbirth miscarriage sibling attached them? Do you ever worry about that?
[00:20:02.530] – Winter Redd
Yeah. Confession time, I don’t love the term rainbow baby because it does. It puts so much on that little kid. And it also makes me feel like my loss was something that was really horrible and bad. And yes, hard for sure. But that kid itself, that child itself is totally fine. He’s totally perfect. He was somebody we wanted so, so bad badly. And I just don’t like… There’s a lot of pressure.
[00:20:35.060] – Winter Redd
So we never call Felix a rainbow baby. We call him our… He’s our third child, and he is who he is. I don’t like… Yeah, there’s too much weight. I don’t like the way that it puts on Felix, and so we never refer to that. And I don’t want Brandon… I personally think I would not want to be called the Storm, right? I don’t want to be called that heartache. Yes, there’s so much heartache associated with all his occurrences and happenings that happened with him. But he is such a joyful thing, and a joyful thing in our family also. So I don’t ever want them to be associated with a storm.
[00:21:18.440] – Hilary Erickson
Right.
[00:21:20.510] – Winter Redd
Don’t love it. Don’t love it.
[00:21:22.880] – Hilary Erickson
And if you love your rainbow baby, then just stay with it. But every time I see it, especially with older toddlers, this is my rainbow baby. I’m like, Do you think they love that? Yeah, but I don’t know. I mean, there’s so many things I do that my kids don’t love. Who am I to judge?
[00:21:38.200] – Winter Redd
Yes. I mean, you do you. I love rainbows, too. I think that’s a beautiful term, but I don’t… For my family, it doesn’t work, because I just want everybody to acknowledge what our entire family looks like. And that allows us to talk about Brandon and when we’re just like, oh, yeah, we had a loss. And then we had Felix, and he’s crazy, and that’s good. I mean, that’s all there is it.
[00:22:01.800] – Hilary Erickson
Now, Winter, you recorded podcast episodes while you were pregnant. True?
[00:22:08.180] – Winter Redd
We did.
[00:22:10.080] – Hilary Erickson
Okay. Do you recommend-. So Winter has a podcast called Still a Part of Us. And I’m always like, I wonder when Winter recommends people start listening to this? Because I definitely- I would not recommend it for pregnant couples who are currently pregnant. But if you’ve previously had a stillbirth, I’m sure there are episodes that will be a lot of me too. Oh, I feel that way, too. That could be really cathartic if you’ve previously had a loss. What do you think?
[00:22:36.220] – Winter Redd
Yes. I honestly, Andy people are like, oh, what do you do? We tell them like, Oh, yeah, we have a podcast, but we’re always like, don’t listen to it unless you need to. And it’s usually after a loss. And so it’s more of a community because you don’t feel like you have anybody that’s experienced a loss. And then you realize, Oh, it’s happened more than I think that has happened. And so people come and binge listen to all of our episodes, and that is great. We want to make sure that these parents have a chance to have their story heard. So that’s what we do. Don’t listen to it while you’re pregnant. Don’t do it.
[00:23:09.310] – Hilary Erickson
Unless you previously had a loss, because there are some episodes. And maybe, Winter, you could send me some of the episodes you think that would be amazing if you have previously had a loss that I could put in the show notes that people can start with?
[00:23:21.790] – Winter Redd
Yeah, I can look up some pregnancy after loss and parenting after loss episodes because there are a handful, and they’re so good because you just know how hard it is to go through it afterwards.
[00:23:35.530] – Hilary Erickson
Well, and I think it’s really normal to be like, I’m going crazy. I’m not bonding with this baby. Something’s really wrong with me, right? Yeah.
[00:23:44.070] – Winter Redd
You feel like you’re neurotic the entire time. Yeah. And even now, I feel a little neurotic.
[00:23:48.890] – Hilary Erickson
I mean, we’re all neurotic. I think we have to let that go a little bit.
[00:23:53.050] – Winter Redd
We’ll just admit it. Yeah.
[00:23:54.460] – Hilary Erickson
I will say, so I just watched Amel Robbins. I don’t know if you follow her on social media, but she just said, We We spend so much of our time envisioning worst-case scenarios. Imagine if we spent more time envisioning best-case scenarios, like how much happier we would be. I think that if I envision the worst case scenario, I’m going to be better at it. Because as a labor nurse, I’ve envisioned all these worst case scenarios, and I’ve worked through them. I’ve ridden journeys with dummies into the OR, which does prepare me. But as a human being, I don’t think it ends up preparing me.
[00:24:28.400] – Winter Redd
Yeah. I mean, your emotions I don’t know if your heart can prepare for how big of an emotional toll that would be to just go through this loss. But you have to go through it, whatever that ends up being. If it is a loss or a pregnancy after a loss, you’re going to have to go through it, and it’s going to take you. It’ll take it out of you, but you’ll be better for it on the other side.
[00:24:55.410] – Hilary Erickson
Yeah. And I will say that Felix is a crazy kid. So you’re still Still in the thick of good toddlerhood, good old fashioned toddlerhood. I know.
[00:25:05.150] – Winter Redd
Oh, it’s so fun. It’s so fun. He’s crazy. He’s so crazy.
[00:25:09.440] – Hilary Erickson
Yeah. Oh, and I did want to say that you’ve also mentioned that Brandon has never colored on your cabinets. He’s never done anything wrong, and it can sometimes be hard to not make him the angel baby because he doesn’t do the things.
[00:25:24.330] – Winter Redd
Yeah, exactly. He hasn’t drawn on the walls, which Felix has. And so… But the other thing is it’s just like, we are trying really hard to figure out ways that we can connect to him. And he would be five this year, because we lost him in 2018. He would be five. He would be going into kindergarten. And We try and envision what he would be doing. And we look at, we have two five year olds in our neighborhood, and we think they’re real stinkers right now. And I was like, our child would just be doing all those things. And that helps, actually, just to humanize and not have him be, like you said, an angel in everybody’s eyes. And I was like, he would be a stinker, and that’s okay. That’s who he would have to be.
[00:26:09.190] – Hilary Erickson
Yeah, that’s who he would have to be. That’s what you are when you’re five.
[00:26:12.890] – Winter Redd
Yeah, a stinker.
[00:26:14.560] – Hilary Erickson
All right. Where can people find you? What are you mostly on, Instagram, Winter?
[00:26:19.660] – Winter Redd
You can find us mostly, I would say YouTube, still part of us, and wherever you hear podcasts. And yeah, that’s where we’ll be.
[00:26:29.740] – Hilary Erickson
Yeah. And I love listening to it as a labor nurse, just because you walk into those situations, you have no idea what that person wants to hear. And so hearing what helped those people really helped me.
[00:26:40.290] – Hilary Erickson
I think if you’re a grandparent, aunt, uncle of someone who’s close to a stillbirth, I think this is good information for everyone to have in their brain. So if we have a friend who has a stillbirth or a loss, it’s a great one to recommend, even if it’s not what you’re in right now.
[00:26:54.130] – Winter Redd
Yeah. You’re just like, I just don’t listen to it, like I said, unless you need it.
[00:26:59.450] – Hilary Erickson
Yeah. But I’m so glad that it’s there because lots of people do need it. And I think it’s amazing. And I just love listening to how people helped each other, because all of us are going to come in to contact with somebody with a loss. We don’t know. Nobody knows what they’re doing. People are like, Oh, you’re labor nurse. You knew what to say. I did have a set thing that I said. I knew what I was going to say, but it didn’t make me feel any more comfortable saying it.
[00:27:22.610] – Winter Redd
Yeah, the discomfort is bad. We had a friend in our neighborhood, and good friend… She just had her baby this year. He lived for an hour. And it still is so awkward, even though we do this on a regular basis. I was like, I’m so sorry, this sucks so bad. And can I sit with you? Can I bring you a meal? That’s what I can do. It’s awkward. It’s okay. It’s uncomfortable.
[00:27:52.420] – Hilary Erickson
Yes. But to sit in it with them is a lot of times what they need. Yeah. All right. Thanks for coming on.
[00:27:59.130] – Winter Redd
And it’s a lovely thing to do. It is. It is.
[00:28:00.310] – Hilary Erickson
Thanks for coming on, sharing Brandon and Felix. And what’s your daughter’s name? We got to get her in, too. Lucy. Lucy, that’s right.
[00:28:07.850] – Winter Redd
Lucy. We might as well. Yeah. All my crazy kids. So thanks, Hilary, for having me, as always. All right.
[00:28:12.700] – Hilary Erickson
Thanks for coming on.
[00:28:15.470] – Hilary Erickson
Okay, I hope you guys enjoyed that episode. It is tricky. It’s so tricky. And so I wanted you guys to know what things are normal and that people just don’t think they’re coping well with it because it is difficult. So to any of the moms who are pregnant after a stillbirth or a miscarriage, my hopes are high for you, and I hope things are going okay, and I hope you’re getting good care. It is a great time to get prepared, though, with the only prenatal class for couples. And also, even if you’ve had a stillbirth or a loss, you can be at risk for postpartum issues. So grab my free Postpartum Care Made Easy, where I’d outline what you need to watch for after you have a baby. So come join me in either one of those two. Thanks for listening.
[00:28:56.280] – Hilary Erickson
Stay tuned. Next week, we are talking about getting four hours of sleep at night after you have a baby. So you guys are not going to want to miss that one. Stay tuned.
[00:29:04.370] – Hilary Erickson
Thanks for joining us on the Pulling Curls Podcast today. If you liked today’s episode, please consider reviewing, sharing, subscribing. It really helps our podcast grow. Thank you.
Keywords:
Hilary Erickson, Winter Redd, stillbirth, pregnancy after loss, miscarriage prevalence, pandemic pregnancy, emotional support, love and attachment, baby naming, guilt in pregnancy, family dynamics, rainbow babies, hope symbolism, using Clomid, home doppler, counting kicks, non-stress tests, healthcare advocacy, stillbirth expert, couple’s therapy, attachment issues, rainbow baby term, third child, podcast “Still a Part of Us”, pregnancy after loss support, parenting after loss, emotional strength, connecting with lost child, stillbirth discomfort, sleep after baby.
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