It’s happening again.
The thing I dread most.
Drew’s job has been reduced to 3/5’s… that’s right, he will — next year receive only 60% of his income and won’t have insurance.
Great? Right?
Just every girl’s dream.
**I should say that there are PLENTY of worse things that I fear more — but this is the thing that I would wake up with panic attacks for the last 3 years. I can’t move, I can’t do it again. My heart still hurts when I think I’ve seen someone from CA and I realize they don’t live here.
And I’m crying. I’m crying a lot. I’m just frustrated that out of ALL the band directors in the valley THIS is the one it’s happening to. If you talk to other directors/principals they think it’s ludicrous what the district is doing. To have a marching band director that’s only 3/5’s and offer him no other employment at another school or something.
BUT WHY DID WE GET THIS ONE?
{tears}
We knew we were supposed to come here, we bought our house on the internet and Drew had an AMAZING impression this was the school for him, paralleled by schools that he just HATED being at. He knew this was the one.
I ended up with an amazing job with people I love who are flexible towards my needs. I feel so lucky to be there. I knew it was my nursing home.
I have spent 3 years with a VERY minimally-home husband. He works so hard on that program, plus his masters degree. And now, as the masters is finished, we have this. And he’s looking for jobs instead of being with us.
And here I am, PTO president, Primary president. I’ve consciously taken on a lot of good things. I spend a great deal of my time volunteering, and thinking about others.
But right now I need it to be about me. I need God to send someone to fix this.
I’ve had a really hard time with any church events lately. I don’t remember that happening in CA, maybe it did. I just feel lost and forgotten. I feel like the church is useless and a time suck. I feel like it may not be for me anymore.
{I have not lost my faith in Jesus Christ — the church is just hard on me lately… really hard}
Everywhere we turn it’s bad news. Drew even has an interview on Monday but I feel horrible about it. I can’t attend band events because I hate his job so much I could scream. Well, I do scream. I’m not one to hold it in.
To this end, I tell a parable – -one that I’m holding to this week.
So, we went to turn in library books on Wednesday. I had them all in our container and we went and scanned them into the library. It felt like I hadn’t scanned them all in and sure enough there were only 25 when I knew we should have 11 more scanned in. I look around and see nothing. I figure they’re in the car or at home. But, as we head to the car and home they’re not there. And I’m facing 11 library books that I have no idea where they are. They’re not at home, they’re not in the car. I have children who just stare at me when I ask them if they turned anything in without scanning.
And because I’m already in a spinning mindset I start to freak out. The day has already been rough. Each child had a tantrum of their own about how unfair life is. I’m sitting in my room crying. I decide I need to head to the library to find the books. Drew, because he is a good, good man, comes with me. We get about 1/8 of a mile away from our house when I realize how insane this is. Either the books are there, and they’ll turn them in or they’re not there and they won’t.
Freaking out, and even going there, wasn’t going to help.
But I wanted control of ONE. LITTLE. THING. I wanted to know i could handle situations and make a difference.
But, in true Elsa form I let it go. I made dinner and by the time I was done I checked our cards and they had begun to be turned in. By 8 pm they were all in. Someone had put them in the return bin without scanning them in (which you don’t have to — my OCD just is calmed by us turning them in and not risking the library missing one).
And I know that’s what I need to do. I need to let it go and have faith that all my library books will be turned in. We will be made whole, and possibly we’ll be better off then when we started.
I am SO aware that life isn’t fair and that so many people hurt over worse things than this. But, this is my thing.
I can do this, I don’t need control. I just need to trust that someone has control.
Right?
Btw — Scribd has no due dates…. just sayin’….
Lara says
I sometimes wonder why I seem to have the same trials over and over and over again. I don’t really know the answer, but at the same time it is a little comforting to realize you’ve been here before and things worked out, and that they will work out again. I’m sure there is something really amazing and wonderful out there for you. Maybe you needed to be where you are now not for the job Drew currently has (sort of has), but for the one that is waiting for him now. Of course, maybe not. His ways are not our ways.
Keep singing like Elsa, and things will work out. You have to believe it. And he WILL come down and fix this for you. He really will.
Linda Sue Arney says
I have started smart shopping…usually WITHOUT husband[who is a impulse buyer!] I buy for 2weeks at a time…[last from one payday to next] I may have to pick up milk, bread and fresh produce occasionally but I find meal time preparation is much less stressful with a well stocked/planned pantry! I NEVER wing it. Find my crock pot invaluable for cheaper cuts of meat. Ethnic meals…stir frys and tacos are great for a quick meal. I too found buying ground beef in bulk and cooking most and portioning out for individual meals is a big help! Thanks for your great blog!!! 🙂
Hilary says
I need to switch to every 2 weeks.
I did that this week, with just a tiny trip Wednesday night. It makes a big difference! Thanks Linda!
Aubrey Jones says
That night you first texted me the news my heart sank about 10 stories. And I cried. For you. And very selfishly, for me, praying that you won’t have to move again. It will work out for the best. It really will. But man if it can’t totally suck getting there sometimes. Let your counselers do the heavy lifting for awhile. And let me bring you dinner and dessert this week. I love you!
Jen Riley says
Oh Hilary, I’m so sorry. I think how you feel is completely understandable. Just hold on, something will work out!!
Hilary says
Thanks Jen. I think of you lots as Princess P is headed to Kindergarten. My how time flies, right?
Shanne Bauder Brown says
Love ya, Hilary! Keep on hanging in there!
Kara Fisher says
I guess I’m little behind but saw this last night and wanted to say sorry you have to go through this again. May God give you the strength you need to make it through the current unknowns of life.
Erica {let why lead} says
Oh man, that stinks. I’m so sorry. It will all work out in time. Just hang on to that. And if you need to take a little step back from your church service, I hope you won’t feel guilty. In my opinion, the Lord understands when we need to retreat for a bit and regroup. As Brene Brown would say, “choose discomfort over resentment.” Good luck, girl!
Hilary says
Thanks shanne!
Hilary says
Thanks Kara — I know you’ve been dealing with this for a while. We’ve had a few positives lately. I’ll blog about them soon, but God is mindful of us. I do believe there’s something bigger out there for him… 🙂
Hilary says
Ooo, I do like that saying. Thanks Erica!
Tonia Randolph Spencer says
Ok I just have to tell you that I I love this.. I found this when I thought I would need to go get groceries.. Now that I look at it.. I can last almost a month! HOT DANG!
If you are amazing beyond words.. You will tell me either you already have one of these made up for freezer storage.. Or that your going to make one.. 🙂
Hilary says
Tonia, I have mulled over making one for the freezer, but it is WAY harder for me to do in the freezer.
i could do a post of what I try to keep on hand, but honestly it’s pretty much meat and frozen pizza. 🙂
H