Everything is Wrong

My name is Hilary, and I feel like my life is falling apart.

I mean, quite literally my life IS falling apart.

But, yesterday was my birthday.  I turned 39.  This is my last year as a fun, hip, cool, youngster.

Ok, maybe I’ve never been that….

But it was my birthday.

I just filled it up though.  Just like I do ever other day.  NRP in the morning, 2 class parties, a retirement party and an Eagle Court of Honor at night.  I had a book sale.  I have 9 million blog things that I’m juggling at any point, plus I have another work class I’m taking next week, and trying to wind down pto for the year.

Today when I got all my people gone I just sat in this chair and cried.

I just feel like things are hard.  They’re too hard and I’m tired and I don’t see an end.  I’m not really sure what an end looks like.  My good friends keep asking if we’ve heard anything about Drew’s job and the answer is no.  Quite literally, nothing.  And, being the list maker I am — I thought I’d just ennumerate the things that are falling apart in my life right now.

1.  Princess P is graduating from Kindergarten.  This is always a really hard and emotional time for me.  It’s time to grow up now.  She’s not my baby anymore and I’m not her world.  I miss the adorable Kindergarten class and how sweet her teacher is.  I’m just missing it.

2.  I hate the end of any school year.  As I walk down the halls I feel like it’s a funeral with all the things off the walls.  I love the love that is built during the school year and when it’s gone the school feels so empty.

3.  Will I ever go back to that school?  I have clawed my way into friendships and feeling like it is my school.  It is likely we’ll be leaving it… and I will be back at ground zero.

4.  It was my birthday, and I made dinner yesterday.  Drew was going to take us out, but Spencer got some sort of weird stomach thing that only lasted a while but I didn’t want to chance taking him somewhere.  And as my husband watched some youtube I made dinner.  It was dumb of me, but the kids were asking when we were going to eat and it was just easier to make some grilled cheese than tell my husband to.

5.  I am working more.  I often have, but with the blog AND full time work and how I want to help the kids during the summer, I feel OVERWHELMED.

I guess the ultimate question for me is if God really does love me, and has a plan for me.

My resounding answer is that he DOES.  I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with sitting down every now and then and saying that life truly does suck at this point.  That’s right, I said suck.

There are plenty of things going right, and I would remiss not to mention those:

1.  My blog is doing really well.  I “sold” 1250 copies of my book yesterday on Amazon.  It’s great to get my “name” out there.  Hits are up and it’s a great month.

2.  I love my school, and I love my teachers, and they love my kids.  I am have been SO blessed to have great teachers, which is probably why #1 and #2 are so hard.

3.  I have a job, and I’m working and we don’t have a lot of the worries that other people in our situation would have.  I mean, we worry — but not as much.

4.  My husband loves me.  He felt terrible yesterday and ended-up getting me a couple of my favorites after the Eagle Court of honor.  He feels horrible for how my life is going right now, and there’s really no way for him to fix it. {sigh}  I love my husband.

5.  My kids are wonderful.  I have had a lot of worries about them, but as I step back I have resilient kids who will be fine wherever we take them.  They make friends well and the internet has made it so easy to take their friendships with them.

I have an amazing life.  And I also have a VERY strong feeling that this was all for a purpose.  It’s not just something I say.  I have probably the strongest feeling I’ve ever had in my life that things are going to be great from this (honestly, stronger than I’ve had for anything relating to my gospel testimony, God has completely pushed this feeling into my heart).  It’s just SO hard to keep a feeling with you all day every day even as the rains come and the thunder rages outside my heart.

So, I’m taking a deep breath and going on with my day.  My wonderful day that has lots in store for me.  I even get a Skype call with Carol Tuttle in a few hours.  I seriously need to consider what I’m going to wear.  Right now I’m wearing a white shirt with grey sleeves.  Seriously, mortifying.

and life goes on….

What do you do when your life is falling apart?  Give me some ideas… 🙂

If you’re interested in more of our job loss journey — check these posts out!

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