How far apart should I have my babies? Should I have a larger age gap or a smaller one? Child spacing is a hot topic that is a personal decision and one that there are many pros and cons for each spacing. So what is the best age gap between your first pregnancy, second pregnancy, etc?
As a labor and delivery nurse, I get asked by expectant moms how far apart are my kids. I often get wide eyes — they’re awfully far apart (although certainly not as far apart as some). For your info, my kids are 5, 11 and 14 — at this moment in time. I have 9 year age gap between the first and the last, with only one in between them.
And that’s how God wanted it.
God made it easy for us. We started trying fairly soon after each child, but it took a while to get pregnant each time. About 9 months to get pregnant with our second child, and about 3.5 years for little sister. That is a post for another day. I also have a post about not getting pregnant when everyone else is (as I know just how it feels when it takes a long time to get pregnant with your next child), and another one on why I think we didn’t get pregnant (and it’s not the reasons you’re guessing)
BTW, if you’re in an infertility battle — you might like the story of my pregnancy.
I also talk about this topic on Episode 003 of my podcast, Pregnancy & Parenting Untangled:
Today’s post is the pro’s and cons of large age gap kids. Again, I had no say in the issue — I, in fact, wanted them much closer together to be “done”. I always wonder what life would have been like if my kids were closer together, I observe that in other families and here’s what I’ve found:
Other posts that might interest you: When am I going to go into labor quiz? Plus Size Clothing Subscription Reviews Budgeting for a Family of Five
How Far Apart Should Kids Be?
Pro’s For Far-Spaced Children:
1. Lots of individual attention for each one. A lot of people wonder how my kids were all reading so early (each read before they were 3). The reality of the situation, I was at home and had time on my kids to spend a LOT of one-on-one time with each one! I consider myself very lucky to have had that time. So much time to love and cuddle. I especially took that time with Princess P (although, I am not sad to send her to Kindergarten now).
2. The older children are great helpers. We have 2 older kids that can babysit now. Just today we took our first child one out for some quality time with both myself and my husband. The middle one could watch the younger sibling and it was just a dream. SUPER handy! Think, Duggars (haha, I actually wrote this before “that” was all an issue)! 🙂
3. Less fighting. While my older 2 fight an AWFUL lot, and we can’t pretend that the littlest doesn’t get in the fray every now and then, I bet there’s less fighting because they’re all in their own age group. Rarely do 2 want the same toy at the same time (unless that toy is the TV or the computer, which can’t be helped).
4. More space to grow, less comparison. Next year I will enter kids being at different schools the rest of their school careers. It’s hard, but at the same point — no one has a teacher, right after another one had a teacher.
5. A little more time to adjust. Instead of throwing more on your pile in a short time, you’re throwing it over a few years. I sometimes wonder if I wasn’t cut out to have 3 close together. Having a baby really rocks my world, especially the third. Turns out God knows what he’s doing after all!
6. Great for your uterus. I have to say that if you get pregnant TOO close together, you might have higher risk to have preterm labor — as your uterus never had time to recover (and a year apart is plenty for a mother’s body).
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What is the best spacing, medically, for children?
I haven’t heard doctors give hard and fast rules for a perfect age gap.
If you’ve had complications or health risks such as:
- Preterm labor
- Bleeding (especially hemorrhage at birth)
- Severe postpartum depression
- Cesarean section (especially if there were complications)
- Uterine issues
They may want you to wait longer for your next baby so you don’t up your risk of pregnancy complications. I would probably check with them at your 6 week check-up to make sure you’re “good to go” if you’re wanting to have your next pregnancy soon.
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Pro’s for Close Kids:
1. Easier to room in. At one point we had all 3 in one room. That’s hard when you’re 10 and your new baby sister is one waking up all night. If they had all been closer to the baby stage that would be easier (at least for a while).
2. Get it “done” — we are stretched out between 3 schools and I will be on an elementary PTA for the rest of my life, but I deal with it. Is it awesome? No, but it’s fine. I make the best of it.
3. Easier to do activities. A lot of kids who are close in age like similar activities. It’s hard to please everyone with an activity around here. We try, half-heartedly. Family Home Evening tends to usually focus on one age range to make it meaningful for someone. Luckily, we all like to be silly — so throwing it young, usually gives everyone some enjoyment. I’ve considered homeschooling a few times, but I really think it would be impossible with 3 kids on VERY different levels. I do have a post about how we do Disneyland with very different ages!
4. Good friends. While my kids have moments they get along. They wouldn’t really be “best friends” because they’re so far apart. That makes me sad. But, I know that as they get older the time between them will fade. When they’re adults they’ll have each other!
5. You’re younger when it’s done. I dream about being a cool grandma who still has tons of energy to play with the chicklets and then send them back crying to their parents. Luckily, I started pretty young (24, to be exact) so this is still likely. Good news is, I am extra cool and hip now — so I’m ahead of the game!
Related Post: Why Can’t I Get Pregnant Again
How to Space Children
Frankly, that’s between you and your partner (and mother nature/God). And quite likely, your physician. Once you decide on your ideal age gap, it’s a good idea to decide how you want to handle the baby spacing.
Ways to space babies:
- Celibacy
- Medical birth control — things like the pill, IUD, etc.
- Physical birth control — the “pull out method”natural family planning, etc. — in my experience as an L&D nurse these are less effective.
How Far Apart should kids be?
The reality is that you need to pick what’s right for YOU.
Are you READY to have another one, before you jump back into the game?
It’s never ours to judge how others space their kids. We have no idea what other families are dealing with. SO many things come into play with little kidlets.
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Each one is a blessing, no matter where on our path they come. This is just some things I’ve noticed as I’ve pondered our own spacing. I do — as I mentioned at the time, entirely believe this is in God’s hands.
Having multiple children is wonderful. I couldn’t imagine life without them.
… I mean, I try — but I don’t succeed. 🙂
Multiple kids brings lots of changes around the house that I know this course will help you cope and thrive in! It’s even guaranteed!
What are your thoughts on the subject of baby spacing? Share them in the comments!
Also, check out all my parenting posts here:
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…and all my other pregnancy posts below:
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katie says
Interesting read! Sometimes I worry that we have too much space between Jack and this new baby, but I think so much of it comes down to the kids themselves and their personalities. My brother and I were 3.5 years apart, and we have always been close – we played all the time! I know people who are really close in age to their siblings and aren’t friends at all. When it comes down to it, though, I think that this age difference is what God wanted, and what I could handle (I had no desire to have another baby until right before I got pregnant!) I’m grateful for all the one-on-one we have had with Jack though. Wouldn’t trade that for anything!
Hilary says
I am 3 years from my brother and we are somewhat close, but not super tight. We did live close to them when we were in CA and that was nice. Our kids are thick as thieves though, and I really like that. Each age has its stages, right? I’m so glad we’re friends, Katie! 🙂
Dianna fenton says
My kids are 14, 7, 5, and almost 2. The older 3 r boys and the baby is a girl. Not one was planned, especially little Ms. I totally agree w the difficulties of having so many age groups.. Activities, movies, games, art projects… it can be super hard to find one that seems interesting to all. They’re actually all pretty close as far as being friends goes, and having older kids around to help is beyond awesome. It has totally crossed my mind that life would be a breeze if we only had the oldest 2, or just the oldest boy and baby girl. I also come from a family w 4 kids, I’m the oldest, all girls, ages 35, 32, 25, and 20. I’m just as close to my youngest sisters as I am the other. So it’s possible for kids to be close when they’re older no matter their ages.. My mom made sure Sunday dinners, family outings, family movie nights, holidays and our vacations were times we hung out, played games, ate so so much food, cooked and a ton of other traditions. It was always ok to be 100% yourself when together. We always had the mentality that being siblings was special and that we were built in forever friends, and that’s stayed with us. I’m trying to instill that in my kids but I’m kinda just waiting to see, because we were all girls and until recently I had all boys. They’re just a different species at times lol. Maybe my daughter will make them all get together and do things.
Amber Faith says
This post definitely eased my worries about having kids spaced far apart. My daughter will be over 6 years older than her sibling, and that’s assuming I don’t have difficulty conceiving. She is so maternal towards her younger cousins and kids at the park. I know she’ll be a wonderful big helper, but it worries me that she might resent the baby since she’s had so many years of being an only child and all the attention has been focused on her. She’s mentioned wanting a little sister MANY MANY times though.
Hilary says
There are great things about close AND far. If you’re meant to have another kid, I wouldn’t let it deter you. 🙂
Corinne Te Kanawa says
my kids are nearly 6 years apart and while they do the normal sibling rumbles they are actually the best of friends. my 9 yr old is so great with his 3 yr old sister. she has asd and some other diagnoses and he gladly takes on the role as brother and teacher. he loves teaching her new words and skills. i had never planned on having a second child and some think im crazy for having my kids so far apart, but it suits us perfectly.
Hilary says
Yeah, I think God’s timing is always best. 🙂
Sarah says
Thanks for this post. It set some perspective for me that is much needed. I have your same age spacing, just opposite. My kids are 9, 3, and one due tomorrow. While I find it difficult to find activities outside our home (bowling, roller skating and movies don’t work well for our 3) that they both enjoy, you are completely right about the individual time. My oldest had almost 6 1/2 years to herself. That has developed our relationship wonderfully and she is a blessing as a helper. My 3 year old was born between kindergarten and 1st grade years of the oldest, so she has had all those school days with me to herself. And she will go to part time preschool starting next month so I will have time for just me and the baby. I definitely feel like I couldn’t handle babies so close together so I’m sure that was God’s perfect timing for us.
Hilary says
TOMORROw! Did you have it? How exciting! Yes, God’s timing is always perfect, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering what it would have been like to have them closer. 🙂
Shalise says
I just wanted to tell you that I loved reading this! The exact something has gone though my head over me over! We have two that are 3 1/2 yrs part and are now at a time to decide do we want another or just our two and that brings up a whole new list of pros and cons. Getting pregnant isn’t easy and that just adds to it… Oh life, ever complicated life 🙂
Hilary says
Yes, being an adult is HARD WORK. Glad you liked the post! 🙂
jennifer says
I had two close together on purpose, and then God had another one for us just as close. I still want just one more, but I want this one farther apart. I don’t want all the stages of life to be over in a few years. (like college)
Hilary says
Yeah, there’s a lot of close calls — and this post doesn’t really mention what it’s like as they get older and older (like college). That’s a good point!
Coco Lucas says
We are currently 30 weeks pregnant with our fifth and our oldest is seven and a half and I have often thought about the benefits to both. I had my first at 17, and just now turned 25, so I am hoping to be the young fun grandma and have all the kids out of the house by the time I am 40. Our last two have been surprises from Heavenly Father, and most days I am going crazy and ready to pull my hair out but there is a special bond between the four right now that I love and cherish. They are such good friends and have the best adventures with each other, but I feel bad most days because trying to give attention to them all (usually they all want it at the same time) is difficult. But they are all blessings from our Father in Heaven and I am so glad he blessed me with them. .
Kiasa says
I just recently found your blog and I enjoy browsing through it. (I have constantly changing curly hair–very hormonally fickle curls. :)) I’m pregnant with my 4th and all I can say (for me/us) it is completely up to God. It kind of drives me nutty when friends talk about having babies when they want (or judging others baby timing preferences). It took us about a year to conceive my first two, with a miscarriage in between (they ended up being about 3 years apart). And then the 3rd came exactly 18 months after my 2nd–not my plan. But my two boys are the best of friends; they play in their own imaginative world together all the time. (They can also get into crazy intense fights, but let’s focus on the good. :)) It’s often like they are twins–which I get asked if they are all the time. Now baby #4 will be 5 years younger than #3. I never wanted to have that much space. But after another miscarriage and a couple years of trying, I began to believe that 3 kids was what God wanted for our family. But He just wanted some more space between the kids, because that is what is best for us all. I think all my kids will dote and love this baby so much, that it may make my mothering job quite a bit easier this time around. In hindsight I wish I would have started baby making earlier so I didn’t feel so old and tired this time around (at 37 yrs old).
Colene says
I love how you think you think your kids are so far apart lol. My oldest will be 18 in March and my youngest is due in September. I had 3 close together and 3 farther apart. You are right, God does what it best 🙂
Hilary says
I very much agree that my kids are certainly NOT as far apart as some other kids. 🙂
Paige says
My older sister and I are about a year and a half apart. We get along pretty great now but we didnt always. I just had my first baby – and by just I mean 9 months ago – and I’m already thinking ahout when I would like to try for my second. I love how close me and my sister are now, but that’s because I barely made it out of my mom’s house alive from how many times we fought. I was thinking more like two years for me. Start trying when my daughter is a year and a half (which is so soon! OMG!) because me and my younger sister just dont click because of our 6 year age gap. Surprisingly, my older sister and her just hit it off so well – I’m just not gonna wait 7 years to have a second. But who knows! Maybe I’ll end up fostering before I decide to have a second.
Hilary says
Well, a lot of that is personalities and you can’t do anything about that. 😉
Monika says
I’m 4 years old than my brother (the middle child) and 9 years older than my sister (youngest) and to your point about being friends…it will happen before you think! My sister is 17 and I”m 26, and even though we’re at different stages in life (heading to college vs. parenting) she is my very best friend. I only expect our bond to become stronger as we continue to get older 🙂 We’re super close with our brother too!
My kids on the other hand….I have an 11 month old and am pregnant with #2. My first kids will be less than 2 years apart (and that’s how God wanted it!) so I think we’ll have a very different dynamic on our hands. Thanks for your list!
Hilary says
Glad you liked it!
Monica says
I’ve read this post a few times over the past several months but never commented. I have a one year old and have no idea if or when I’ll have another child. My brother and I are 13 months apart, and unfortunately we didn’t have a great relationship growing up. We both have super strong personalities and didn’t like to share, lol. We are so much closer now as adults. Maybe it’s because we both have our own TVs and computers! But every family is different, so who can say how my son would be with a sibling, at any age. Thank you for sharing the pros and cons.
Hilary says
Yeah, every family is different!
Shari says
I enjoyed reading this article and all of your comments. I am a grandma now so I have lived through it and can look back and see the pros and cons of pretty much all the spacing scenarios. We have six children. The first three we had in 3.5 years. I was young and had tons of energy. We waited until we were in our own home to have the next one so she (our only girl) came 4.5 years later. We then had another son almost 4 years after that and then we were blessed with our last child 8.5 years after that. We have really raised three different families, or so it seems. There are 20 years between the oldest and the youngest and my youngest was five when the grandkids started coming along.
I can tell you this all of my children get along, some better than others but that is to be expected with any group of people. They all stay in contact with each other. not every day or anything like that but enough to let each other know they are thinking of them and love them. They are men after all and how often do men really stay in contact? lol All of them but the youngest are grown and out of the house and they each live in a different state so that makes it hard.
All the boys still cherish their only sister and they love to tease her and each other.
Not all of them went to college but we did have three in college at one time and they all went to the same college so when it was time to send our daughter off to school it was a huge comfort to me, and her, to know two of her big brothers and a sister-in-law would be there for her if she needed them.
I am in my mid 50’s and am an empty nester accept for the fact that I’m not because I have a 12 year old at home. lol Sure there are things I could be doing if he hadn’t ever joined our family but those things are minimal to the joy and fun we have having him in our lives. He keeps us young and raising him forces us to not get into an old person rut. He truly was a blessing to our family as were all of our children.
I believe that in the Lord’s timing (which is often time so different from our own) we can find our greatest treasures.
I have had children in the 80’s, 90’s and 00’s making each of those decades my absolute favorites of all.
Hilary says
I think each family is different and God gives you the spacing that is best. 🙂 Sounds like you sure worked it out right!
Ashley says
God really does choose….I wanted my kids close together and we had twins!! Only 30 minutes apart!! I do at times envy the one on one time that parents get with their kids but also love that my kids have an instant friend. Me and my youngest brother are 9 years apart and with only one in between who is 5 years younger than me. I loved having my brothers farther apart from me and we are so close!! But at times it would have been nice to be closer in age. Also now my kids have no cousins since one brother is in high school and the other is finishing college. There are so many pros and cons.
Hilary says
Yeah, I think it’s far too much to take in sometimes — especially when you start thinking cousins. 🙂
Yvonne says
My brother and I are 7 years apart, and didn’t get on at all until early adulthood.
That said I don’t think spacing is nearly as important as making the environmentally responsible decision to have a smaller family, later. Stop at two!
Hilary says
Well, we are just going to have to agree to disagree on this one.
Melissa says
Mine are 16 yrs., 5 yrs., aND 4 months….all girls!
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Hilary says
Thank you!
Socheata says
I think it has little to do with age spacing and how the kids are raised. My older sister is 6 years older than me and I’m 5 years older than my younger sister. We’ve always been close. I really think this is due to my parents valuing family time and their emphasize on the importance of family.
Conversely siblings that are 1-3 years apart can grow up dispising each other if they feel like mom or dad favors one over the other. It’s the environment that dictates behavior.
I understand that in extreme cases such as when there’s a 10 years gap, it’s hard to relate to one another because each person is at a different stage of their life but it can also be beneficial. I offer guidance and advice to my younger sister who just started college while I finished years back. Advice that she wouldn’t take from mom and dad because of the “parent” factor. My older sister would talk to me about her experiences with her husband and kids because that’s where I’m approaching in my life.
It’s not bad at all. Remember it’s how you raise them, not how far apart they are from their siblings.
Hilary says
Haha, my boys that are 4 years apart have wrestle mania a least once a week in their room. I’m sure personality has a lot to do with it too. 🙂