I Am Free

Uh, these last few weeks.  Just insane.  I can’t believe it’s been as little time as it has, since I feel like it’s been forever.

But yesterday I somehow thought something would come through.  It didn’t.  But so many tender mercies were extended,  I got a sweet card from a woman in the ward saying that we’re in her prayers.  Another friend offered to give us some moving boxes (I have been worried about procuring some boxes quickly after he gets an offer).  I  somehow found myself tearing up during an episode of “Parenthood”… I just enjoyed the episode.  Wonderful things DID happen.  Just not the wonderful thing I hoped would happen.

The truth is, I somehow get in my mind that a CERTAIN day will be THE day that we finally get a response.  And while we haven’t ever gotten the response we wanted, I have always had a tender mercy extended.  A friend calling telling me how much they think of Drew and my family, another friend brings something by, etc.  God is SO mindful of us.

And then I started to actually SIT and just listen to this AMAZING CD my friend Maryanne was prompted to bring over (seriously, what a good friend).  I have been mulling through it during my cleaning time.  I’ve thought so much about how difficult it must’ve been for the people to wait after Jesus died.  I’ve thought about what it was like to be Mary, or Jesus and how those trials really make mine seem like silly putty.

But, yesterday as I sat quietly and just listened to it, I realized that I haven’t really given this problem to God.  So many of my friends have said to “Let Go and Let God”.  In my mind I felt like this was a simplistic answer, as I do believe we need to be doing a lot of legwork on this end, and that God expects that.  But last night when I listened that although I have complete faith that God has a plan for our family.  He loves us so very much.  I know that.  But I couldn’t quite wrap my head around giving this problem to God.

But last night I did.  As I said my nighttime prayers I told God that I needed to have more faith.  I apologized for having my own time tables, when they may not really be correct.  There are SO many blocks that need to fall into place in order for us to be where God wants us, and I really need to let God build the tower.  I think I may be standing in the way sometime.

And, last night for the first night in I don’t know HOW long, I slept the whole night.  I woke up refreshed, I even did a Jillian workout.  I feel happy.  Like, really fabulous like I always say.  I feel like I want to feel.

And now I kind of feel like an employee of God.  I am still working diligently.  I do about 1/2 to 1 hour of job searching each morning.  But now I kind of feel like I’m doing that and then just passing the info onto God.  I have a prayer in my heart that I will find the right position for us (or, someone else will, and they will pass it onto us, as so many friends have).  But, God is in charge.  Like a manager (a really great manager, btw) he is the one who makes the final choices, he makes the timelines and he will bless us along the way.  Just like a manger gives an employee a paycheck. 

Anyway, that’s how I feel like today. 

I am so glad to have a testimony of how God has a plan for each of us.  I never thought we’d have P.  I never thought we’d be able to buy a house here.  I never thought I’d have friends here.  Each time God has provided me and our family what we needed, just when we need it.  And He will do it this time, as He in charge.