I’m tired of being fat. Sick and tired of being overweight. This is what I hate about it, and what I’m doing to make it less uncomfortable.
Today’s a day that I’m keepin’ it real. I’ve been stressed over the job situation.
I found comfort in some of my favorite Trader Joe snacks. Anything salty of lovely or of good report, I seek after those things. I did a whole workout program at the beginning of the year and I didn’t lose like I thought I should have and that depressed me. Not long after that the job stress came on hard. I am tired of being fat.
And {sigh}
I’ve gained 20 pounds’ish in the last year.
And I feel horrible about it. I lost about 50 pounds at one point. Over a LONG period of time. I lost about 20, and then I got pregnant with Miss P. I had glucose intolerance with her and I went a bit hog wild post-baby but got back on the wagon and when we moved here I was at a GREAT weight. Of course, I wanted to be lower and I kept dieting and trying things which have led me to this point. I’m within 10 pounds of my starting weight. {sigh}
I’ve had success with 2 things. The first off being the old Weight Watcher’s plan. The one before fruits and veggies were free. I can’t seem to lose on the new plan. I also can’t haul myself to meetings or track on my phone at this point. My obsessive nature takes over and it is ALL I think about. Food becomes my entire life when I’m on that. It’s not healthy, for me.
The other thing is just eating slowly til’ I’m no longer hungry and then STOPPING. That’s how I started losing weight the first time. And I think the reality is that I don’t eat a whole lot of calories on that diet. BUT, I’m eating what I want. I’m not obsessed with foods. I think about what I want to eat when I’m hungry next, I wait til’ I’m hungry, I eat a few bites of that thing, and then I move on to my real life. I have a firm belief that if we listen to our body, it will tell us when we’re full and we should STOP. I lost 20 pounds on this type of a diet before I got pregnant with Princess P.
You’ll notice that neither of these plans includes working out. Working out isn’t in the weight loss equation for me. I really thought that this January when I tried SO hard with tough workouts and sticking to her diet I’d do great. I just didn’t.
Now, I know there’s some of you just thinking I’m vain — and I am. As are you. But there’s SO much more to losing weight. So, without further adieu I’m going to name the 10 worst things about gaining weight.
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Why I’m Sick of Being Fat
I get worse cramps.
I don’t normally notice cramps at all, but when I’m not eating right, snacking too much on the sugar and the salt I notice that the cramps are CRAPPY painful. NOT a fan. I’m pretty sure I have PCOS and I know every pound I gain only exacerbates that {btw, I LOVE Clary Calm when I have cramps, total game changer!).
I get headaches.
I know part of it stress, and allergies and dehydration in the 120-degree sun, but I also know part of it is my own weight loss battle. I’m losing it and my brain knows it and it hurts it. 🙁
I hate how my boobs lay on my skin below it.
Sure, that might be TMI but as I gain weight in my boobs that’s SUPER annoying! Did I mention it’s insanely hot here?
Clothes don’t fit.
Duh. I have gone up a few sizes, which isn’t AS painful, thanks to Goodwill. BUT it still hurts that I have cute things I can’t wear. Sometimes getting dressed is a personal nightmare as I find out clothes that no longer fit.
I’m breaking out.
I’m sure the hormones involved in PCOS aren’t helping my face. And my face hates me. Son of a gun.
My watches don’t fit.
I have a weird desire to wear my watches really tight, but right now they’re TOO tight. Oy-Vey! {also I have to wear a watch, it’s not even a question}. Also, I couldn’t wear my wedding ring for a long time because it was too small. I bet it’s completely perfect right now. I can’t bear to put it on, though. 🙁
Belly fat
It’s the worst kind of fat, and guess where mine is. You guessed it. Heart attack waiting to happen as I stare at my abdomen. Also, the belly fat is horrible for my pelvis that will never be the same.
I get more tired.
I carb load and then I just want to lay down and SLEEP and my life doesn’t really afford a lot of sleeping on the couch time. Darn you, life!
Too many folds.
I worked nursing home. I know what happens when your skin is folding on top of more skin. I sometimes envision things I could lose in those folds, even if they’re currently tiny. They’re getting bigger. Disheartening.
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I feel horrible about myself.
I worked SO hard to lose the weight last time, and it’s just creeped back on. I know I have a family history and that prompts my genes to keep ALL this fat on me. But that isn’t the reason. The reason is me. And that makes me mad at myself.
So, internet. That’s it. I’m done with it. I hate these 10 things WAY more than I love food. And the thing is, I can still eat my food. I just can’t eat it until I hurt. I don’t need to feel REALLY full. I just need to feel not hungry, and I need to eat slowly enough that I can catch myself at the point I’m no longer hungry.
The points to this new eating lifestyle are
- Eat when you’re hungry
- Eat what you want
- Eat it slowly (put the fork down between bites, or put the food down between bites)
- Stop when I no longer feel hungry (at some point I figure out what feeling “full” is — but for now it will be when I’m no longer hungry).
I also hope to walk a few times/week. Possibly with the husband. I also want to keep doing the weights workouts with Pretty Fierce. I am a big believer in muscle mass. I’m gonna start small and slow. I know that if I start workouts that are really pushing me I’ll just gain more weight. I just need something to rev up that heart rate and increase my metabolism a bit.
Anyway, I just needed to put this out here. it helps me stay on track if the whole world knows that I’m off track.
Maybe I should re-name my blog that, off-track. 🙂
Be sure to check out my health and wellness board on Pinterest!
*Before anyone says that I need to love my body. I just have to say that I don’t. I don’t love my body at this weight. I gave you 10 reasons why. It’s not my BMI (which will never be in the “normal” category — I just need to give that up). I just hate feeling like Jabba the Hutt in my head.
*Also, I really did write this post at 4 am. Something was beeping in my house and it woke me up. I couldn't go back to sleep because I just sat there feeling fat and sad about it. Well, and the 9 million other things racing through my head at all times. It's rare I publish a post straight out of the gate -- but today I'm #keepinitreal
Havok says
The whole “you need to love your body no matter what size it is” is a little silly. You need to love your body, and keep it in good working order! If things are not functioning or feeling the way you think they should, there is nothing to love about that. *end rant* 😛
Every time I have lost weight is simply from eating less. Working out doesn’t do much for me in that category, either, but less snacks tends to do the trick. I am also in the same boat that trying to track calories and such is just a time sink and something to obsess over – not worth the mental stress of trying to keep up with!
Wishing you lots and lots of willpower! (And also less high temperatures!)
Hilary says
I think you need to have a good self image, and not tie it to a number. But if you just FEEL gross, then yeah. It’s gonna be hot here for at LEAST another month. By Halloween we start to turn back into a normal place. 🙂
Aubrey says
I love this. I love you. You can put it all out there and come away even cooler than when you started. I can relate. I am reading a really good book called Fat Loss Happens On Mondays that Haley Conant suggested. I am liking it much more than I thought. I have kind of skipped around chapters a bit. I haven’t read it front to back. You don’t really have to with this book. But it’s full of good habit helps for fat loss and just general health. I think you’d really like it.
Hilary says
Thanks for the love. I doubt I’m cooler. In fact, I just went on a walk and I’m a sweaty mess. Ew. Hmm, I’ll have to keep that book in mind!
Linda/makedoanddiy.com says
I find that extra exercise actually hinders me, cos I figure “I just went for a run, I can totally eat as much as I want tonight”…not true unfortunately. I find weight watchers works for me, but not in a track everything, go to meetings kind of way (I have 2 small kids and a tendency to have an unhealthy, controlling relationship with food when I’m focusing on my weight) so what I do is plan out in my head each morning exactly what I’m going to have for each meal based roughly around my ww points allowance, and I try to stick to that. I find that when I don’t plan I don’t think about the next meal until I’m ravenous, and then I panic and eat my weight in pasta! This is working, if slowly, and I do feel much better as I’m naturally having a lot more water and veg cos they’re “free”, but in the last few days I’ve decided that thinking so much about losing 10 pounds of leftover baby weight is not healthy and I need to ease up (I was getting back to the unhealthy type of focus on my weight), but now what’s happening is it seems I’ve subconsciously completely thrown in the towel cos I’ve found myself eating things I never would, never mind when I’m trying to watch my weight! It’s so frustrating! I know I don’t have a lot to lose and I should be happy I’m healthy, but not feeling like yourself sucks.
Sorry for the rant, but you hit a nerve with this! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Hilary says
Yes, I TOTALLY get that about exercise! I also get focusing far too much on food. It was on my mind CONSTANTLY today “am I hungry” — I was often “mouth hungry” which isn’t the same as actual hunger. “sigh” 😉
April says
I love you and your honesty!!
I get frustrated with my weight too. I have always stayed away from anything called a “diet”. What worked for me, now mind you I have gained some of the weight back, was this amazing trainer/coach. I paid monthly and it may have been a lot, but the knowledge I took away has seen me through and now I need to work on applying it. He was a pusher of one ingredient foods, stay away from processed is what he suggested. 80-100g of protein 30g carbs and 50g fat (good fats!) Was my goal most every day. I found out I had a sugar addiction and conquered it for a while. Then we used free weights, no treadmill cardio (in my oponion) crap! He suggested hiking or running if it was our thing…meh, not really mine. In the time I spent with him I found out I was stronger than I ever imagined and I was capable of so much more than I ever gave myself credit for.
I would be happy to show you some of the stuff he taught me. He never “sold” me anything, ever! Sadly he has moved on in his career and now I have me to rely on and I am working on it again. 🙂
Great post Hillary!
Hilary says
Yeah, I think a trainer would be super handy… but I can barely fit in a walk and an online video. That’s awesome April. Go you! And thanks for the love. 🙂
Ashley says
I don’t always love my body. I was about 35 pounds overweight and on 5 ft frame that’s a lot. I have worked hard over the last two years and managed to lose all of it and then some…. but, with that said I have had slip ups and set backs and the reality is, it happens. Time and time again the thing I always go back to is using the My fitness pal app. It just makes me so much more accountable and simply aware of what and how much I am eating and should be.
Hilary says
Yeah. Simply being aware. I hink being a mom makes it so HARD to be AWARE because you’re constantly dealing with other people’s wants and needs. I hope I’m back on the wagon. 🙂
Sarah Mueller says
Have you heard of Trim Healthy Mama? You simply MUST get the book or get on Facebook and read up on it (you know – in your spare time, wink wink). When I eat following the THM plan (not really a diet per se), I’m not hungry, there are tons of yummy recipes and you can eat fat! I love the science behind the plan and it’s totally manageable, even for a busy mom blogger. I’ve pretty much managed to kick the sugar habit which was a huge struggle for me.
Hilary says
I am not a fan of cutting out foods — which is what that one looks like. I do think the more overweight I get the more I crave sugar. It’s so weird.
Sarah Mueller says
Well,, yes, cutting out sugar and white flour is key because of the effect they have on your blood sugar. Being a nurse, I’m sure you understand this better than I do, but there’s a chapter on how our bodies become more insulin resistant as we age and that we’re unable to process all the carbs we eat which then turn into fat cells. It really scared me as I have a healthy appreciation for diabetes and hadn’t realized that could be an issue (or even pre-diabetes) if I allowed my weight to rise.
So yes, a few things are cut out,, but carbs in general are not. They’re just managed a little differently. Plus, what I love is that there’s no counting calories or points and healthy fats are encouraged.
Anyway, I thought I’d mention it to you. 🙂
Hilary says
Yeah, I have heard a lot of good things about it, I am glad it’s working for you!
Jessica says
Thank you so much for this post. It really resonated with me. I have struggled for years being about 10 pounds over the weight that I like. I am never clinically overweight, but at the upper end of normal weight doesn’t feel good to me. It is so tiring trying one scheme after another. Your post made me think to what has worked and it comes down to eating normal, reasonably healthy food but just less of it. I think the exact type/quantity will vary between people, but individual preferences make it easier to stick to, maybe. Anyway, I have bookmarked your post and will give it a sincere try! Thanks for your honesty and insight.
Hilary says
I really believe God gave us these bodies, and I know they know how to do the right things in their own. I just don’t listen a lot of the time. 🙁
Cindy Urban says
Hilary, I know exactly what you mean. I am now 60 years old and I don’t remember a time that I wasn’t trying to lose weight. I lost 50 lbs in 2002 or 03 for my sons wedding.. went right back on plus some. I don’t know the secret to losing weight. I know it takes a lot of will power and determination, both of which I lack. I am trying to do things. that I like to stay busy. I am refinishing furniture and trying gardening again this year.( I just hate putting all the time into a garden and the bugs eat more than I do). I just need to find a way to stay moving. The WII Fit works great. I just don’t like doing some of this in front of anybody. It is a struggle and motivated, working out people don’t know how hard it is. My husband is a very health contious kind of guy. He tries to help me, but I really need to do it myself. I am now almost 100 lbs over a healthy weight. I still try all the time to get a handle on it. I will continue to try. Stay strong. You are still young and can run with the kids. Don’t give up.
Hilary says
it’s true. I need to do more stuff with my kids. We did Just Dance on the wii. Life goes on, focusing on it sure doesn’t help! 🙂