Learning to Let Go As a Parent

This is the hardest. thing. as a parent. Learning to let go as a parent is one of the most important things you can do, but you also need to keep that baby alive and foster its growth.

You are given a baby that is completely reliant on you. Human newborns are some of the most helpless things on planet earth. It’s amazing to watch other animal babies. Many of them are able to transport themselves, feed themselves and possibly even self-sustain.

Human babies can sometimes not even suck. They can’t move (or even pull their heads up). Seriously, they are completely helpless.

Which, frankly — creates a VERY strong bond between mother/father and baby. Your service to baby makes you love them more and more. Which is great, because human babies can be annoying enough you might eat them otherwise. 🙂

But, from the time you expel that baby from your body, you begin the process of letting go.

I have a whole course on letting kids do more. Letting them learn skills and help out around the house is SUCH an important part of letting go (and can pay-off big dividends when done right). Family Routines simplifies family life to allow kids to help out more! Sounds great, right?

A friend of mine mentioned that her children were so young, she hasn’t had to learn to let go yet. But, I disagree. I think — from just a few months of age, you are making choices to support, allow kids to make their own choices or deal with consequences.

For instance, baby rolls over but hates being on their stomach. Do you roll them back, or do you encourage them to flip on their own? Sure, the first few times you flip them, but after that, you might consider they need to learn this skill.

And frankly, that type of process is exactly the same for a young adult. The first time they can’t pay rent, you might swoop in and send them a few bucks, and talk about budgeting. But, the next time or two you let them flounder on their own.

Learning to help children manage their own lives:

Let’s talk about some of the different times of parenthood where you are learning to let go:

Letting-Go With Babies

Some examples are (I’d love to know other ones you think of in the comments)

• Learning to sleep on their own
• Learning to entertain themselves instead of being held all the time
• Learning to handle other people besides mom or dad (babysitters)

Now, a lot of these things are somehow really controversial. The reality is that each mom needs to listen to their own inner voice and let go on their own timeframe. I do believe you got this baby for a reason.

Some moms seem to think it’s not OK to let-go on these items, and some moms seem to think that it’s not OK to continue supporting kids in these areas. And BOTH of these are OK. And frankly, none of our business.

However, for me it’s been important to acknowledge that there will always be an inner conflict of letting go because you are there to support and sustain….

I just that some moms just don’t realize that these are ways that you are giving babies control of their own lives and starting on the path of self-sufficiency (even though it seems really small).

Letting-Go with Toddlers

Some examples with toddlers are:

• Intervening at the park/playdate when there is a dispute (this is a big one — we’ll talk more about it)
• Providing them the food they want vs the food you have prepared
• Helping them understand that sometimes they have to do things they might not love for the good of the group.
• Letting them push their physical limits and possibly falling a time or two.

As a mom of three, I’ve seen the playground/playdate thing play-out (see what I did there) so many times. In these types of situations you have a few options:

• Intervene and remove your child
• Watch from a distance
• Talk to the other mom (you can both talk to her in a way like you’re watching wildlife, or you can tell her to fix her kid)
• Try to ignore it and see how your child handles it on their own.

I’ve seen this happen most often when other children are throwing sand (or frankly, when yours is). You can either pick them up and put them in a new spot, you can help them use their words to ask them to stop. You can teach them to look away or shield their eyes. A lot depends on their age and the situation. But — there, right on the spot, you’re learning to let go.

Learning to Let Go with Preschoolers

The areas of the playground/playdates will continue for YEARS — but preschool brings on a whole lot of other areas:

• Potty training, and them taking control of that (and dealing with the consequences)
• Going to preschool, having appropriate behavior there
• Dressing/picking out clothes
• More control of what they want to eat (or not eat)

As a mom, I find that the older your child gets, the judgment just continues.

If your child looks like a homeless waif because they picked out their own clothes and refuse to brush their hair — there is a good chance of some judgment.

And you have to create your own boundaries in each of these areas. For instance, shoes and appropriate clothes (for the weather) weren’t optional for us, but what clothes they pick out were up to them.

Again, doing what works for you, and reminding yourself that each parent is letting go in their own way.

Letting-Go of School-Aged Children

I think parents normally start to think of this age as letting go — things like:

• Picking out own things for lunch
• Dealing with teachers/fellow students they don’t like
• Homework
• Sports/injuries

Again, at each juncture, you’ll have to pick how you are going to support, or even let them “fall”.

At this point, as you will likely be around a lot more parents and children it can be easy to judge others or feel judged.

I find it’s best to just run your own race. Possibly check out how a few parents you admire handle things, but remember your child was sent to you for a reason. 🙂

Letting Go of Teenagers

At this point, it can be tempting to let go entirely, but I find that without small acts of support you may have to “clean up” larger messes for them later down the line.

Things to consider:

• Talking with teachers when classes aren’t going well
• Talking to coaches when they have an issue
• Rejection from auditions/try-outs
• Dating {sigh} etc…

I find that the M&M is 100% the most important part of parenting with teens. Discussing what went well/bad with kids after it’s all done is SO important for them to start to make better choices (and you not to scream til’ your hoarse).

Of course, this just continues as they grow-up. I could add letting go of kids in college (or not in college), or once they’re out of college — but you can see how important it is to start when they are young. To run your own race and set expectations for both of you.

The most important part of letting go:

Realizing that what it sort of happens naturally, it can be very painful. Again, at one point you grew that baby in your body. You kept it alive for months, so letting go of the control you think you have can be really difficult. No matter the stage.

Watching something you love as much as yourself flounder and try to get footing hurts. It should, it’s how we kept it alive for so long. And, I am hopeful that it makes grandkids even sweeter. 🙂

This is one of my favorite (even if it’s horrible) videos that reminds me that sometimes you have to let kids bounce… I watched this just as one of mine was entering high school and I thought back to it quite a lot:

If you’re looking to help kids pitch in more, and simplify the routines you have around the house to give yourself margins to think through the letting go, check out Family Routines. That’s what it’s all about!

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