Living Today

I haven’t done a post about our life situation in a while….

In case you’re new on this scene, my husband left his job at the end of the year.  He, basically, has PTSD from that job and he’s still trying to work through the 4 years he gave them (all the while, my son is going to that same school — band camp starts tomorrow).

He’s actually had districts calling him and begging him to apply.

Which is nice.

But that’s not what he wants to do anymore.  He’s done teaching K-12, at least for now.

And sometimes it’s hard for me to work through the fact that due to this blog and the miraculous income it’s bringing in, I am able to say.  Honey, it’s OK.  You don’t need to take something that you hate.  It’s his time to be picky.

But, this blog post is about me.

I’ve always felt like we were moving.  That I could brush off the next school year because we wouldn’t be here.  And school starts here in 2 weeks.  It’s all very real at this point and the kids are starting school here (and very excited about it — which is great).  Drew, actually, does have an offer from a community college to teach part time here.  Our finances will be totally fine between that and me blogging and working once a week like I did before.

Which is a miracle.  A true, blue miracle {insert Barry Manillow here}.

The thing is, I just don’t feel good about that plan.  Drew didn’t feel like that was a solution when he met with the man offering him the teaching gig.

And I think that’s what’s getting in my way.  The feels.

I feel like we are going to move.  But we’re not

I feel like this isn’t the place for us anymore.  But we live here.  I’m PTO president.  I have a job.

And then it makes me start to wonder where my feelings are.  How could my feelings be so wrong?  Have my feelings led me astray before?  What else am I feeling is right, that maybe isn’t right?

Were we wrong to feel like we were supposed to move here?

And that is a road that I’m just not prepared to go down.  I really felt like this was the place we should go.  It made ZERO money sense, or climate sense, or school sense.  But it was for us.  And I’ve really loved it here.  I jumped in with both feet.

But now I’m lost.  And our air conditioner died on Friday.

I had a total breakdown on Tuesday.  I have one child that is particularly giving me a run for my money lately, and he’s getting older and my money means more at this point with him.  I’m frustrated, I’m working full time, plus this blog and I’m lost.  I ended-up emailing my BFF’s to say that I was losing my mind.  There wasn’t anything they could do, but I just wanted them to know that I was lost.  The responses were just what I needed.  That they loved me, and that life just completely sucks sometimes.

And it totally does.  And it’s totally what I needed to hear.  And I need to remember that when friends are having a hard time.  And I am grateful for good friends that were there when I needed them. {and I’d like to start another sentence with the word AND just to tick off every English teacher I ever had}.

I know that every moment  that I have to breathe and am not required to concentrate on something else I’m wondering what my future holds.

And I think that needs to stop.

I need to focus on today.  Today we’re going to church and we have a day as a family.  I need to focus on that kid that is slowly killing me.  I need to hug him and tell him he CAN be better, but he needs to try a little harder to be a little better. For today.

Instead of being pleased that my grass is greening up so we can sell it, I need to think about how lucky I am to have some grass for the kidlets to run around on.

My mind is always 3, 60, 100 1 million steps ahead.  And I’m not sure how to train it to look at today.  To see that the checkbook has plenty of money for today and for whatever our needs are.  To see that my family is happy, and together, and able to bless other’s lives with our time.  To see what God loves me, he has a plan for me and I don’t need to think about it.  I just need to think about today.

Have you heard that song in Barnum called “One Brick at a Time”

Big things are built one brick at a time.  Of course, that musical also has a song called “There’s a Sucker Born Every Minute” and part of me worries we were that sucker. 🙂

But I digress.

I can’t look back.  That isn’t helping me at this point.  Looking forward isn’t helping me right now either.  Sometimes I don’t know where to look (because if I keep looking up I’m going to trip at some point).

Anyway, I’m not sure where this metaphor is going right now.

Anyway, Drew is looking at some educational software companies like Instructure.  He’s actually talked about that type of thing from the beginning, but didn’t know where to start.  We’ve made a lot of connections there.  So, who knows.  All I know is that guy has worked so hard for our family, he needs a little break.  He also deserves to be somewhere that values him.

And for today, he’s getting that. 🙂

Check out my other job hunt/loss posts:

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