Below is a post I wrote in late 2018 after my son was settled in his dorm. I had some time to reflect on what had gone wrong in my own life. What I had done wrong — and when I saw the college admissions scandal it brought it all back.
I know, it is a scandal perpetrated by the rich vs the poor — but for me, it was much more.
It’s about the process of letting go.
When you finally decide that your child needs to decide what is important to THEM and then letting them make the efforts to make it happen.
To see parents (cough, cough, Abigail Stanton of my beloved When Calls the Heart) who paid SO much for a daughter who has, herself, proclaimed that she doesn’t care about college.
So, how does that apply to you?
What are you doing RIGHT NOW that over-steps your child’s own choices?
- Are you making their science fair poster board for them?
- Are you pushing for AP classes that they aren’t interested in doing (guilty — although, the one in question ended up being required because of his scheduling at his high school)?
- Are you sending vegetables that your child throws away every.single.day because YOU think it’s important?
Clearly, some are more egregious than others.
Of course, it’s a fine line. You don’t let your student just not go to school because they don’t like it there. Of course, you have to make boundaries and slowly withdraw your guidance. There are some choices you have to make for your kids.
The process of letting go is something I don’t think we talk enough about.
How hard it is. So, so hard.
How you are handed a helpless baby who literally can’t survive, and then in 18 years you’re supposed to shove them to the world full of predators and cross your fingers (or still assist in a way that HELPS them?).
How you get from point A to point B is something each parent needs to navigate, but this scandal has opened my own eyes to what I’m doing with my current high school freshman (and what I’ll do when the college freshman comes home this summer).
Also, how that process has to start EARLY. Letting kids explore and take risks (the nurse in me always had issues with that one — believe me, this is a guilty party speaking to many other guilty parties).
For us, we sleep trained, and to many parents, that’s just “so mean” that a child would have to cry a bit and learn to get themselves to sleep. Again — we’re all doing it in our own ways. And, I know you got YOUR child for a reason — so, hopefully, you can listen to your instinct (or, for me — I feel like God is helping me) and parent these kids in the ways they each need
Letting go will 100% look different with each child and with each family. But, talking about it can help us maybe get an outside viewpoint we hadn’t considered as we’re in the day to day trenches with our kids.
Anyway — with that being said — here is my post from earlier this year about how I learned about letting go…
If you like this type of post — sign up for my practical parenting series. Just some very PRACTICAL ideas to up your parenting game (also some thoughts about letting go a bit at a time):
Post from November 2018:
I’ve wanted to write this post for a while.
But honestly, it’s embarrassing.
I did something I said I’d never do.
So, let’s back up and tell the story.
Last year about this time — my son was filling out college applications.
I was that hammer pounding his nail in. Pushing to apply. Pushing to apply at a certain spot.
Just KNOWING his future was a certain spot.
He got into the University close by.
Yay…. {low-excitement font}
Honestly, no one was thrilled, because most people get in there.
But, then he got a giant scholarship.
And I thought “yay — he’ll never need it” {note low excitement font, again}
His path is elsewhere…. he’s going places.
He finally got the application in. I felt like the essays lacked heart. And he was just going through the motions, but I was sure he’d get in. This was his future.
Then, came the fateful day. BTW, BYU admissions don’t show up in the morning, or the afternoon — they actually didn’t show up til’ the next day.
And, it was a denial. He didn’t get in.
He shrugged it off. Honestly, he had told me he planned to go to the state university all along, he’d hoped to get into BYU, but he didn’t get in.
So, I pivoted and we got his FAFSA into the local university. We figured out tuition, we signed up for a dorm.
And then I cried.
And I cried.
and I cried
and I cried
and I cried
and I cried
HOW could this happen?
All the hours preparing that boy to read, all the HOURS in classrooms supporting him (and I mean ALL. THE. HOURS guys — all. the. hours).
All the time I had told him he HAD to go to seminary (even though he hated every moment, and that is a blog for another time, but in retrospect, I wish we had not pushed as hard on seminary).
All the times I told him he HAD to pay tithing, to go to xyz.
How I had literally ignored how his path was somewhere else.
Blind to it.
My parents were actually here at the time, and my dad happens to have been a vice president at said school. He was dumb-founded, he had done some poking around and everyone who’d been on admissions thought he’d get in.
I actually had to leave church that week. I sat in my car and cried.
I cried because of all that wasted time getting him to be amazingly smart and ready to thrive at that school. How bleak his future looked now….
My dad came out to the car and sat by me and told me that not everyone’s plan is what we think it is. And, that for this child — at where he is right now, that school was probably not the best choice.
This child struggles with our church in many ways at the ripe age of 18. We actually struggle in a lot of the same areas (as this is not the first time I have gone out to my car and cried during sacrament meeting — there are parts of church I also struggle with).
I just tend to find the benefits outweigh the doubts. He doesn’t agree.
And now that I’m about 9 months out from that fateful day, I realize that a rejection letter was the best thing he could have gotten.
Because following that day:
- He got $2,000 more in scholarship money at ASU (making it a full ride)
- The ASU scholarship requirements are SO much easier than at BYU, he can easily keep his scholarship, but it also rides his back so he does well at school
- We got a grant by some miracle
- My parents helped out to put him in the fanciest dorm I’m ever seen
- And he is honestly thriving at ASU. He is making good friends and exploring who he is and who he wants to be.
- He’s close by, and while I don’t see him much, I will admit it’s nice to know he’s close enough to fix if something goes awry.
- He is getting good grades, and I am not standing close by wagging a finger at him…..
So, what did I do wrong?
I had a path in my head for him.
I knew what was best.
But, I was wrong.
I ignored all the signs. I was sure that MY happy ending would happen. I was too invested. And, more importantly, I was too invested in what I wanted, vs what he wanted.
Just like I tell the new mammas in my birth plan posts. I had a plan and I was sticking to it.
However, God and the child had other plans.
Other, amazing plans that I couldn’t see. Creating a man I’m proud to call my son. I love him so much and this has been a harder journey than I ever planned on when I held a baby over 18 years ago.
Parenting puts you through so many twists and turns. It is so hard to know when to push and when to pull back.
I certainly made a lot of mistakes in that arena, and yet his plan was always HIS plan. And I needed to take a step back.
Anyway — I hope this advice will help a few of you in the whole college application process.
They’re adults, let them adult. Adulting is hard, and I think it’s even harder on the parents.
I have two more kids to mess up less with. I guess time will tell if I learned my lesson….
And about 40 more years to live, and I’m sure this isn’t the last time I can’t get in the groove with God’s plan. Anyone else feel that same way?
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