It’s that time of the month, you’ve waited and “worked” for a simple second line. You wake up early remembering to pee in the cup (or on the stick if you’re pretty coordinated early in the morning – which I never was). If you’re smart, you use the dollar store variety (woah — I just found these on Amazon). And there it is, just one line. One late period and just one line.
You’re not pregnant.
I would take a big sigh and think that at least I can take an ibuprofen if I have a headache for the next couple of weeks after not getting pregnant. There are always bright sides.
We tried for child #3 for for over 3 years. Mr Middle was just a few months old when I decided we should have a third and I wanted to be “done.” I actually blogged about this in my post no bambino.
But there was certainly another plan for us.
And I knew my friends found it awkward. I had friends that had TWO babies in the time that I had none.
But I never became someone with “fertility issues” — I just wondered what God’s plan was for me.
I found joy in my friend’s babies.
I loved that they were pregnant and was so excited for them. I never wanted them to feel badly to tell me that they were pregnant.
When they had babies that were driving me insane and screamed to me about how horrible it was to have a newborn or how horrible it was to be pregnant. I sympathized. Pregnancy is surely a 2 edged sword that can have painful results when you’re pregnant or NOT pregnant. It is so weird like that and we all need to show love to each other regardless of our situation — soapbox moment done.
I think it’s really important to not let the infertility define you. Who knows why it’s happening today, but you could just as easily be pregnant next month and you don’t want pregnancy to define you either.
Check out Jon and Morgan’s podcast episode about what they did for their infertility:
I finally had to give up the try for a girl. I finally had to be ready for whatever God had in store for me. I just happened to be lucky enough to get Princess P.
I mostly just didn’t love the limbo. I really wondered if 3 kids was more than I could do. I was certainly overwhelmed with 2 kids and I know God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. I also knew I had a career and wondered if that was more of the path I was going to take.
I have spent a lot of time in limbo land. It’s not my favorite, but I’ve found the other end so many times, knowing God did have a plan for me.
Related Post Why I couldn’t get pregnant with my third child
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For instance:
I had a horrible pregnancy with Princess P. I had 3 kidney stone bouts, my pelvis split and I had glucose intolerance diagnosed in week 9, so I followed the diabetic diet for 31 weeks. OH, and I was 12 days overdue.
I think if I had gotten pregnant right away it would have been too tough with a tiny Mr Middle. God really was looking out for me by making me really WANT the torture that awaited me.
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I also met new friends when I moved to AZ that I might not have if she was older and in school by the time we got there.
I know God has a plan for us.
You might wonder how I finally got my baby. I never did go on fertility, but I do think a few things helped:
I did a basal body temp for a few months and found out that I ovulate really late in my cycle. I was “aiming” way too early (which would’ve been the normal cycle). You could also use ovulation kits (but basal body temp just uses a thermometer).
I worked PM shift (3-11pm) when we lived in CA which removed a lot of “prime” baby making time. We did “attempt” from day 10 to day 30 every other day for a few months. It wasn’t fun. Feel free to check out this guest post from Marissa on keeping the relationship solid while ttc (trying to conceive)
I lost some weight. Probably about 25 pounds. Honestly, I do think that weight is a huge issue for a lot of infertility. That’s probably a post for another day, but I will say that’s a huge issue. If you’re not getting pregnant you might want to look at your weight and how you might work on either gaining or losing.
My friend Katie has a great post on “Why am I not getting pregnant” — that you might like too!
Just one more message of trying to love each other. You have no idea who’s suffering from infertility, and you have no idea if someone is really happy about the pregnancy that they have inside them. Having babies is tough. It’s something that we as women share and I wish we could share more love about it than hate.
** A few people in the comments have decided to say that just because I already had children, I didn’t “suffer from infertility” — but I beg to differ. On this point we will agree to disagree. Yes, we each have a different story, but I find it unfair that you told me that it wasn’t painful for me. I, personally, believe that these points can be true for anyone suffering from infertility be it on their first or their 10th. **
You might also be interested in these posts:
I love familes, I’m grateful for each family that chooses to have a child. They are lucky to have loving parents.
Crystal says
I live your comment about not becoming a woman with fertility issues. My husband and I have been trying to conceive after having a daughter that was stillborn. I have never reached the point where I felt like I had fertility issues. I’ve just let God work and trust that his plan and time is best. I am constantly reminded of the verse in Eclesiasties that talks about how there is a time for everything. Sometimes I do get discouraged when everyone around me is pregnant but I have to trust that His time is best!
Hilary says
Yup, it always has a season. Good luck, I know that is very difficult. 🙁
Kat says
I am in the same situation, thanks for sharing that i am not the only one struggling. Hope there’s a better plan for u.
Rachel says
You are doing amazing work! Thanks for sharing your wonderful tips. My husband and I had been trying for 2 years. We both were checked out to make sure there were no major issues with either of us regarding why we hadnt gotten pregnant yet. We read that a lot of people have success on the 2nd round of Clomid! I am now 11 weeks pregnant and would definitely recommend Clomid for anyone who hasnt gotten pregnant after at least a year of trying and is unsure why. I am not sure if I just wasnt ovulating or what, but Clomid worked for me!! Dont be scared to ask your doctor about it! My insurance didn’t cover Clomid. But I got it (thanks google) 😊. My friend gave me the code ‘Get4preg’ ❤️ and she said ‘just Google it’. Goof luck to all!
Pulling Curls says
Crystal, I’m so glad you found something that worked for you! Congratulations on your pregnancy and best of everything to you for the remainder!!!
Jules says
I had classified myself as infertile for the three years that it took my husband and I to conceive. Even though it was a tubal pregnancy and we lost our baby, it still took such a huge weight off when it finally happened. I have since had to have surgery and can’t get pregnant again, so we are adopting. Now it’s been 3 years of trying to adopt, which carries a lot less stress than trying to conceive.
Jules says
I also understand the feeling of everyone else around you getting pregnant. It’s been 9 years (3 before conceiving, 3 after pregnancy before surgery, 3 adopting) And in that time, my best friend has had 4 kids and my sister has had 3. Being told constantly how good you look with a baby in your arms *wink, wink* can drive you insane, not to mention the questions of “So when are you planning on having kids?”. Even people you barely know can get pretty nosey.
Hilary says
Yeah, but I tried to always remember how well-meaning people were. I also decided after a year to just be really open with our struggle so people knew. I know a lot of people aren’t willing to be that open though. Interesting that adopting is less stress. I hope it works out soon!
storm says
Hi, I hope by now you have been able to adopt a child. I figure you have gone through every route possible. Have you tried doing foster care? My grandparents were foster parents and we ended up only having 3 children come through our home. One ended up going back to her parents, one was adopted out, and we are still in contact with them, and one we adopted. We have had her since she was about 2 years old and she is turning 12 this year. How time really does fly. I never thought it would happen but I couldn’t see my life any different now with my little sister. Sure she has a lot of problems. But it is worth it. She is worth it. And you are too. Plus, having a child from foster care could be challenging, but it could be so worth it. Also, you would be able to help more children who need just as much love. I hope you would consider it and look into it in your area. If it is something you could do , or if you have already adopted it is still a possibility. Fostering will be a challenging yet rewarding experience.
Hilary Erickson says
Huge props to foster parents!
Brianna says
Of course you didn’t label yourself as someone with “infertility issues”. you already had two children, it’s clear you didn’t have any issues. But for some of us, we do have issues, it’s been four and half years, I haven’t had a child, I’ve never been pregnant. I’ve taken medications, done tests and procedures and spent way more money than anyone should have to. THAT is fertility issues. Waiting a bit in between kids? That’s not infertility.
Hilary says
Well, I am deeply sorry for you. That’s tough.
Kristy says
Right there with you, we would give anything for just one child to love and call our own. After two failed rounds of IVF (second w/o viable embryos for implantation), we are now onto the path of adoption. Which holds more unknowns, higher costs and risks than we will ever be ready for…
Hilary says
That is so tough. I hope something works out soon!
storm says
Even though your comment was made a long time ago I feel the need to reply. Anyone can struggle at anytime with infertility. Anyone. It is not for you to tell someone that they have struggled even if they already have children. Sometimes people feel that their family is not complete. I am sure you have thought your life would be perfect with a child. Which is why you have been trying for years. But you’re being bitter. Just because someone struggled for their third child doesn’t mean that it is any different from someone struggling for their first child. I am writing this as someone who has been TTC for 2 years. I understand the struggle, but i won’t put someone else down for having children just because I am not able to. Actually, this post really helped me to understand to be loving and kind to those who are pregnant, who have children, and who are working on their second or third or fourth children. So, I hope by now you have had a child of your own and can see what a miracle it is. If you are still struggling I would recommend joining a support group in your area or even online. There are plenty out there and I am actually in one. Good luck, and I hope you can decided to not be so negative towards others in the future.
Hilary Erickson says
Everyone’s struggle is different and valid.
Natalie says
I know the pain … like someone mentioned above you already have two kids, lucky you!! , you are a mother and you had that feeling before but I understand your point, I read your words and I feel like I am saying them out loud. I hope you have an amazing life with your family ,.. enjoy every single second.
Despite me and my husband not getting pregnant I decided that I will take every moment to thank God that I have an amazing husband and we are healthy enough to smile every day … I have faith in God that He will send us our babies when it’s time. “I finally had to be ready for whatever God had in store for me.”
Hilary says
That’s the best faith to have. 🙂
Vanesse says
I have got 5 stepkids, from my husbands prior marriagde, who I love and we share a good bond. Yet I can’t stop from wondering how it feels like to be pregnant, and having a baby of my own who I share memories off since before being born. I wish to hear being called mom, that on mothersday its about me as mom and not making the kids ready for the moms motherday. I have endiometriosis, been with my husband for ten years and never be pregnant. In my country no docter can tell me what to do in my situation other then just be patient. I thank God for giving me a family with my husband and stepkids but someday I cannot do anything but wonder what if.
Hilary says
That is tough. I am sorry, but what a good stepmom you are — those kids are lucky!
Nina says
Waiting 3 years for a third baby? I’ve been waiting over a year and doctors say IVF is our best option and I don’t have any kids, you are very lucky to even have had one kid. There are women who can never have kids and it’s hard to be happy for people when it’s been a struggle for those dealing with infertility, I don’t see how waiting for three years is a struggle for infertitility, you and your friends are lucky to all be able to conceive, I think this article is better suited to be written by someone who has dealt with infertility.
Hilary says
I believe that this is kind of what I am writing to…..
Trista Dunbar says
I cannot imagine your pain at never being able to conceive. I had one child then lost two pregnancies, one at 19 weeks, which I delivered. Even though I had had a child I felt much pain and worry about the possibility of not having another. In time I was blessed with two more children then lost another and finally our caboose arrived
I feel so blessed that in 7 pregnancies four became my beautiful children. I have a dear friend who has not had that experience. She has never been able to have children. My heart aches for her. She has found that she has a love for helping foster children and has adopted that way. I am sure that her sorrow at not having her own children is not totally alliviated but I think it is softened. When we talk she has often told me that she thinks losing three would be much harder. I have told her I think not having the opportunity for children seems harder. The point is we all have difficult things, even though they are not the same.
I believe what was trying to be expressed here is empathy,even though the circumstances are not completely comparable. If we all tried to be more empathetic what change might we make in the whole world.
I have not shared your exact trial but I have had my own. And that has made me know there are hard things in life that try our souls. I am sorry this is yours and hope that you know that there are many who feel for you and the hard thing you are experiencing.
Nicole says
Awe, I’m sad to see the anger that people are putting on you. Even if you have children and wanting more it’s still something hard to go through. We should stand together and be supportive. I have never had children my husband and I have been trying for 2 1/2 years. I was really upset to see that my Dr. Diagnosed me as infertile I guess I was in denial. It was upsetting but we still stay positive, I’m lucky to have a supportive husband. I’m sorry for all the women trying and I’m sorry for your stuggle too. I also think that I have been blessed with taking a long time to conceive, I wouldn’t have my job, my relationship has grown deeper. There’s always positives to the negatives. So ladies please don’t be bitter, I’m sure this woman is thankful everyday for her family, and I don’t think she needs to be told.
Thank you for your post.
Hilary says
I love that you can see the bright side. I know God has a plan for us. 🙂
irene says
“But I never became someone with “fertility issues” — I just wondered what God’s plan was for me.”
As someone who suffered infertility and went through treatments to have my children, I do feel your description of your experience suggests mainly via your own comment above that you didn’t suffer infertility. It is hard to empathize with someone’s writing concerning a topic that can be incredibly painful when quite honestly, it just doesn’t feel “real”… I think perhaps people may have suggested you didn’t suffer infertility because your writing doesn’t reflect the turmoil of emotions that those of us that have also suffered feel.
I say this not as way to be confrontational but because I stumbled across your story and wanted to feel empathy but for some reason, didn’t. I am also a Christian but that doesn’t always take away the sting of infertility…I feel like it would be dishonest if I suggested I never felt worried about God’s plan for me with having children, especially before I had any children. most people that are being real and raw about some very real and very raw issues should be able to write in a way that resonates with the rest of us. So, though I do not think people should be rude about criticizing your writing I am just telling you that if you want to say you understand infertility and even those that have had “10 kids or more ” can understand it comes across like you don’t really understand at all. Which will ignite fires from the rest of us who have suffered this issue as well.
I
Hilary Erickson says
I suppose the real truth is that I didn’t SUFFER from it. I just chose to realize that God had another plan for me. I have a new post about the 4 years it took us to get pregnant and what I see in the aftermath as to they why’s. That has helped me a great deal in things I might suffer with more recently.
Hilary says
I’m glad you addressed secondary infertility. Just because you have babies does not mean you cannot mourn the potential loss of more or that you don’t deserve a big(ger) family, if you want one. Just because I have primary infertility with no babies in the home does not mean I, or anyone else, has the right to minimize your pain in the waiting. Infertility and waiting is hard for anyone who wants a baby. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Hilary Erickson says
Thank you, and good luck on your own journey!
Elise says
I am so sorry you dealt with such a long wait for your littlest one and I think you had some really great advice here for women in similar situations. I’m very sorry people are taking their pain out on this post. I will admit that also had a negative first reaction when I got to the part about your two other little ones. Not because it invalidates your infertility or pain, just because I didn’t expect it based on the pinterest link I saw.
One of the hard things for me struggling to each cycle when I am not pregnant and another friend gets pregnant or has their baby, is that I feel left out and left behind. I have read books and books worth of information about pregnancy, but when my dear friend tells me she felt the fluttering movements of her babe for the first time, that is not something I can understand. I want to delight in her growing baby, but it is hard to ignore the ache to know what that feeling is like. And it is hard to be present as she complains about pregnancy when I have no shared experience and mostly just feel jealous.
None of our journeys are exactly the same. Your desire for a third baby is not less important than my desire for a first. Sometimes the advice and encouragement we need is different though.
So to anyone reading this post two years later and scrolling all the way down to my zombie comment: I get you. I know it is hard to see a pregnant friend and not know if you will ever get to experience that feeling. To listen to a friend complain about pregnancy brain or nausea and bite your tongue from saying that you’d happily take all that if it meant you could be pregnant. Maybe this post wasn’t encouraging to you. That’s okay, it is not reflective of your journey.
But we can all take a minute to see someone else’s story, recognize that many of us are privately dealing with pain and dashed hopes, even if we might not look it on the outside. We can be less glib and more empathetic. We can recognize that friends we have with children may feel pain and desires for more that cause them significant hurt. We don’t have to compete over who has struggled the most, but we can support each other and root for each other.
Hilary Erickson says
Great comment! 🙂
Shawnee says
You can have fertility problems after having kids you can get pregnant and lose it you still have a problem…
Hilary Erickson says
For sure!
Yanique says
I try for 3 year whenever I see my friend have kids and I don’t have any I cry a lot I don’t what type of plan god as for me sometime I break down and cry for days and don’t talk to any one but my partner sometime frustrated about it because he is the problem he have low sperm count but I pray and ask God to give is miracle
Hilary Erickson says
Try to be happy for them, and happy for the things you do have. Who knows what life holds for you!
Nicole says
Hilary, thank you for sharing your story. I do understand that “infertility” comes in all shapes and sizes. However, I think the title of your article brings the attention of women who do identify themselves as struggling with “infertility”, women who have never had a child, women who may never have a child, women who have had miscarriages, women who have had ectopic pregnancies, women who have been trying endless fertility treatments for years only to be met with disappointment, women who sit alone while their friends and families have child after child. For these women, your story may not feel supportive. Many of us are in a lot of pain and the tone in this article feels dismissive. The message I heard was “Be grateful for what you have, believe in God”, not at all addressing the deep pain and sadness of the topic at hand. I think this is why you’ve had some unsupportive responses. I think it is natural for other women to be “jealous” or “bitter” in response to your article, let’s show some grace towards those women. We do not know their story and they have likely been through more than we can understand. I would also like to show grace towards you, as I can imagine that your struggle was potentially more difficult than how you explain it to be. I’m glad that Faith carried you through it, but I don’t think we are all that fortunate, not everyone has that relationship with God. Let’s hold compassion for those women too.
Pulling Curls says
I’m glad you realize that everyones journey isn’t the same and I’m sorry for your pain.