Signs You’re Parenting Out of Fear

I’m just a mom. And a nurse, and I will say that nurses tend to have more fear parenting than the average Joe. How do we know when our parenting is coming out of a place of fear vs a place of love? This is what I’ve determined, and I’d love your input in the comments too!

Before we get going, come join me in Practical Parenting where I give some of my favorite parenting tips that have helped me not lose my mind. 🙂

How DO you want to parent?

First off, sometimes I just want to look at where I want my parenting to come out of…. I try to think of it as how I’d want someone to treat me in a relationship. I’d like to parent with a root of:

• Love
• Hope
• Trust

However, sometimes I find myself parenting out of:

Tiredness — it can be HARD to parent 24/7. We expect a lot of ourselves, sometimes too much. We get tired, and that’s OK. We just have to acknowledge that’s where this is coming from….

Habit — maybe it’s a rut we’ve gotten into or something our parents did…. it can be really tough to get out of habits. I also find this is a “thing” as kids get older. I’m a run where I don’t allow XYZ — when in reality, they’re getting older and I need to re-evaluate.

To be loved — sometimes we just want our kids to like us. This isn’t a great spot to be in either.

I really try to parent out of love, hope & trust when I get into those ruts. Does that happen to you too? Maybe it’s just me. 🙁

I actually had this idea sparked when I had my adult son on my podcast (it’s a great listen if you have the time):

The good parts of fear.

There are plenty of good parts of fear.

We put babies in car seats to keep them safe.

We pick age-appropriate playground stuff for littles because we want them to test boundaries safely.

We talk about consequences a lot, especially with things like sex, to remind kids that they can be really serious.

Fear definitely has a place in parenting. We love our kids, we want them to be safe and happy. BUT, I know that my own fear has often kept my kids from being as happy as they might otherwise.

Signs You’re Parenting Out of Fear

I do think that fear is at the root of MUCH of parenting. I sometimes wonder if it’s always been this way, or if the rise of media, especially social media that has made it worse?

I think sometimes people don’t hold their babies as much as they’d like because they worry what it will turn them into. That type of parenting stays with it (and I know it got me too).

It’s in the future

You’re parenting about something that might happen in the future. Examples of this:

• Eating too many treats will lead to them gaining weight or not having good eating habits as an adult.
• Stopping relationships with the other sex because they might hook up and make poor choices.
• Not allow kids to have a phone because they might look at porn

Do you have signs of any of that happening right now? If not, maybe you let them go down that path a bit to see what goes on.

I’m not saying that you don’t monitor things, but as kids get older you have to give them more “rope”. You’re there to monitor the rope and it helps them know they can handle that rope on their own as they move out of your house.

Based on hearsay

All the fear about kids being taken in parking lots or in Target. People think people are following them, and that they will take their kids.

Then, you see those videos and you get even more paranoid. You won’t let your kids out of the cart to even look at a favorite toy — just in case there’s a crazy person around.

There is a lot of hearsay on the interwebs. Listening to it can lead to us chaining our kids down.

We have a local mall that so many people say “you shouldn’t take kids to at all” because of all the predators out there. Am I cautious when I go there? Probably. But entirely saying any store there is out of the question to a teenage girl isn’t the best option either!

This is a great time to teach our kids to be defensive. To always stay in groups, to talk to an adult if they feel weird about something. Those are great skills to have no matter where life takes them.

It scares you

Are they doing something that scares you? Is it ultimately very unsafe? Or, are they just outside of your comfort zone.

I think that’s true of playgrounds as littles are getting a bit more advanced in their skills. They climb higher. I would get scared… I’ve seen so many broken bones in my time.

But, I’d look at the cushion under them in case they fall, and I’d encourage them to take it slow and that they were doing a GREAT job. Even if me, inside, was dying. I’d often also walk closer so I could grab them should something arise — but I let them do their thing.

How do we apply this to teenagers? (or as kids get older)

We sometimes just have to let them do things that scare us. And I try to look at it like I do when they’re little on the jungle gym.

How’s the cushion? — what is around them to cushion the fall if they “slip” on this one? Can we throw some cushion under them?

Can I get closer? You’re not there to hold them while they do it — but can you be nearby to watch for any times they’re really in trouble? This may mean taking them out for treats or to the mall more often to get them to open up.

Is this a natural progression? It helps when you’ve seen them navigate the lower areas of the jungle gym on their own. You know that they’ve got the strength, and ability to do the higher levels. Is this a natural progression of their skills?

Is the consequence really that big? Often I reminded myself this with grades. If a grade fell, is that really a big consequence? I can tell you that my kids had great grades & test scores, and didn’t get into the college I was hoping they would. I realized that me fearing that wasn’t as big of a deal as I thought it would be. You have to stand back and look at the actual consequence….

Want more tips for teenagers:

• 7 MomHacker Tips For When Your Child Wants to Quit
• Abundance vs Fear-Based Parenting
• Summer Activities for Teens and Tweens: Your summer bucket list!
• Communicating with Kids with Nellie Harden
• The Hardest Parts of Parenting for Me Right Now

Fear can be Helpful

There are LOTS of positive things about fear. I don’t want to discount it.

• We don’t want to see our kids get hurt badly — like a car accident
• We don’t want to see their lives impacted negatively — like teen pregnancy, or jail time
• We don’t want addictions — like drugs, alcohol, or porn.

These are all valid and important.

Personally, I’ve seen parents just do things I thought were just dumb. Hauling kids to their boyfriends house late at night so they could “snuggle” — to me, that just seemed insane. But, we all have our own boundaries.

Ok, so here’s a few steps I go through….

Rooting Your Parenting in Love

I ask myself what I’m afraid of. Is it STD’s, a pregnancy, addiction, problems with mental health, safety?

I talk to my kids about my fears if valid. My kids probably hear more about STD’s than the average kid (I’m also The Pregnancy Nurse®), I talk about addictions I see in other people, and I ask them how their mental health is. I talk to them a LOT (I’m guessing they’d say too much sometimes).

I have faith & hope in them. I am a very church-y person, but I often forget faith. Faith in people, faith in my kid. Faith in ALL The work and teaching I’ve done for all those years. Faith is important. Hope is important. They’re often based in love and I need more of that in my life.

Honestly, this post is just as much for me as it is anyone else.

My church ruled me in fear as I grew-up.

• Fear that God wouldn’t love me if I did something wrong (including wearing a tank top)
• Fear that I’d get pregnant and ruin my entire life (and the life hereafter)
• Fear that I’d become an addict of anything (instead I sort of became addicted in fear).

They never talked about trusting yourself in relationships, or situations. They mostly just talked about fear or crazy consequences.

I don’t want to be that mom. I want my kids to trust themselves. I want to trust them, and I want to see where life takes them, because I think they’re brilliant people.

I also remind myself that some people have gone through those hard things, and have become better people on the other side.

We sow what we reap — and teaching that concept to kids early on has helped me trust them more, and have faith in both myself and them (and God).

I will say that managing my own emotions around all of this requires some margin in my life. When I’m super busy I think that parenting in fear comes in clutch to me.

Routines have been a BIG part about making margins in my life. I’ve also had my kids help out more around the house teaching them about life — and it’s been great. I teach all of that in my course Family Routines, it might be a good option for you! Safe $5 off your first month (cancel at any time) with coupon code MARGINS.

Where are YOU finding fear creeping into your parenting? Tell us in the comments!