Ok, your mom was likely great. At the very least she has actually kept you alive up until this point. However, there is a lot that’s changed since you were a baby. With all the research and information that we have now, there’s a few things to do differently…. so while your mom might have been right to do these things at the time…. stuff has changed. So, let me help you know when to ignore them!
You may be tempted to get your labor advice from your mom or a friend, but make SURE you’re getting it from someone who’s up to date with current standards and what to expect at the hospital NOW.
**I wrote this post because so often new moms have us telling them one thing in the hospital — and then their mom tells them something else when they go home, and they end up confused. This will give you the confidence on these things to know things have changed.
Sleeping on Their Tummy
Babies go back to sleep. Babies need plenty of tummy time when they are awake (even if they cry like my kids did) but when it’s bedtime/naptime they need to lay on their backs. It’s a sids precaution that time has shown has worked. When we were babies, it was all about tummies to sleep. Ignore your mom (in this case).
Babies still need LOTS of time on their tummies though! Don’t leave them on their back when it’s not for sleep. Tummy time helps them build the muscles they will need! Check out my post on what to do with your baby all day.
Alone in The Crib
It’s likely your mom used bumpers, and it saved her from a little one flailing an arm out of the crib and then crying that they can’t get it out. Bumpers, even mesh ones, are a thing of a past.
This is, again, because of a SIDS precaution. That baby gets their face next to the bumper and only inhales their on CO2… no bumpers. No matter how cute they are.
While we’re at it, no pillows or stuffed animals. in the crib! Cribs should be barren places of safety. Sorry cute people. Put all the cute stuff on the bookshelf. While we’re at it — I’ve had a few grandmas trying to put pillows in cribs. Absolutely NO PILLOWS.
No Honey
They used to give us honey for the weirdest things. I bet it worked. Until we died of botulism. Ignore your mom {in this case}. Kids shouldn’t have honey until about 2-3 years (ask your pediatrician).
No Peanut Butter
While we’re talking honey, there was a strange phase where we kept kids away from potentially allergy-inducing things, and then later found out that it could CAUSE those allergies if babies weren’t exposed to it in the womb/early on. So, babies can have peanut butter (and you can have it while you’re pregnant too).
Formula is Best
A lot of women in the 70’s and 80’s didn’t breastfeed. They thought that the advanced technology of formula was considered best. Turns out that was wrong. Although, I have a whole post on what to look for if breastfeeding isn’t working that you might enjoy too!
I am a huge fan of doing what works for you, but some moms will say “just formula feed” because that’s what they did. I talk a lot about my breast/formula journey in the last few lessons in here that people find super helpful.
Birth Stories
My mom is 400% certain that she was 8 weeks overdue with me. I was around 7 pounds, no issues growing…. She has so many stories that I just nod and smile about. I find it amusing that now I’m The Pregnancy Nurse® with all of that.
Let me boil it down that my mom’s stories weren’t all that helpful about birth. Things get foggy, medical care was likely different. I loved hearing about her feeling me the first time, or what it was like to be pregnant with the person that would become me. But birth stories (including the pudundal block) wasn’t helpful.
She also wondered why I needed so many ultrasounds (I got 2)…. Sometimes it’s just good to remind them that care chances as science advances.
And, to take a good prenatal class on your own.
Looking to get prepare for your birth? I have some easy options for you!
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– Worried you’re missing something? Grab my pregnancy planner so you don’t miss a thing!
– Thinking about an induction? Grab Inductions Made Easy to feel prepared in just 20 minutes!
– Wondering how to get that baby OUT? Grab Going Into Labor Made Easy so you know how to (and not to) do it!
– Postpartum got you anxious? Check out Postpartum Care Made Easy so you can stay SAFE even when all your attention is on that little on.
🚨 AND if ALL OF IT has got you on edge The Online Prenatal Class for Couples is perfect for you — You’ll feel so ready before you even know it!
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No matter WHERE you are at in your pregnancy journey, we have resources that can help!
“Maternity Leave”
Maybe your mom stayed home, or maybe she went back to work — but what they were facing may be VERY different than what you are facing.
Sometimes they have strong opinions about what we should do or be and we have to just stay in our lane and remind ourselves that things are different now.
OR, your mom may be a good reminder that life WILL go on even if baby is daycare. My mom was just not that person, so I had to sort of block her out. 🙂
Car Seats
How your parents used car seats may be very different than how they are used today. It is honestly a VERY different land for a lot of baby gear, so it’s important to not take their opinion too heavy on these.
Also, they likely used walkers and other things that aren’t recommended for babies anymore.
Oh, and while we’re here they may have let you sleep in your car seat (while not driving), or swing and studies show that just isn’t safe anymore…. so, just make sure you’re doing the best practices you can.
Gender Roles
There’s a good chance your mom did most of the “baby care” and may think you should too.
Her roles in her relationship have no bearing on what your roles are going to be in your relationship.
It’s so smart to take everyone’s strengths and use them to enhance that baby. Divvy up the roles for ways that work for you.
And we talk lots about how you can make that work in here.
Love That Baby
Oh wait, no — they got that part right. I guess they were good moms after all. 🙂
There’s going to be a LOT that is different for your child than it was for you. There’s a lot (both good and bad) that’s different for YOU than it was for her. You’re figuring out your own path and that’s OK!
What else did your mom tell you that wasn’t right? Give me the dirt on when you had to ignore your mom. 🙂 Wonder what our kids will have to do differently?
**Let me be clear this isn’t a bash on our moms. My mom {pictured above} was a WONDERFUL mother who raised me in a loving home and certainly tried to keep me as safe as she knew best. I AM saying that there are a few things your mom did differently then you’ll be told to do now. Things change. I wonder if babies will be back to their tummies one day? 🙂
FYI, This post was originally published June 21st, 2014 but I re-published it after I felt like it could be re-done in 2024.
Beverly says
I don’t think those moms did it wrong. We were following the advice of the day. When my children were born, we were told babies should sleep on their stomachs so they wouldn’t choke if they spit up during sleep. Bumpers were to keep babies from getting body parts through the crib bars and possibly hanging themselves. I breastfed, but my mother-in-law constantly tried to convince me to use formula (because that was what was recommended when she was a new mom). She also encouraged me to start giving my first baby watered down rice cereal at six weeks! I didn’t (but found out later that SHE did it when she was babysitting).
Moms feel enough guilt. Please don’t tell us we were doing it wrong when we were just doing what doctors told us was best.
Hilary says
My goodness, I’m not trying to give guilt here. I’m just saying that I get grandmas who flip the baby on their tummy right after they’re born because that’s what they did. Then, the mom looks at me doe-eyed wondering what to do. Things change, I hope I made that clear. I almost put the rice cereal one on here… 🙂
Lacey Schoeneman says
Honestly, I’m much more lax than my mom but those things I’m pretty strict about. Most of what I do differently than my mom is how I talk to my kids. She was very protective of what information we had and we were extremely sheltered. As an adult I’ve found that not only was that counterproductive to the people she intended us to become but also detrimental to us in how we interacted with our world. I’m very open with my kids. I let them ask any question they want and I do my best to answer it in a way they will understand. I also let them go to the park on their own, ride their scooters all over, walk to school… Things that foster independence and decision making skills and things my mother would have died before letting us do lol! She makes sure to tell me why everything I do with my kids is wrong and I make sure to remind her that she had her turn and these kids and decisions are mine. 😉
Hilary says
I think that’s the perfect way to deal with it Lacey. Luckily, my mom only gives advice when solicited. I am sure you’re a wonderful mom!
Niki says
This is good advice, especially if your mom or mother in law is going to be helping you take care of your baby. Whenever I would take my babies to the store, in 100 degree heat in SUMMER, older women would admire my babies but freak out when they noticed I didn’t have them dressed for a snowstorm. They would say oh your baby is going to freeze! And ask where my babies socks were and why didn’t I have them bundled up and wearing a hat. I would just giggle and say we must have forgot. Lol I guess there was a bundle no matter what rule back in the day?
Hilary says
Haha, I think it’s funny anyone gives advice at the grocery store. I am always amused, and just figure they somehow miss the days I can’t WAIT to get over with. 🙂
Patricia Trondsen says
The first time I brought my premie son to the store everyone told me he should not be out, but there was no food in the house and I was hungery.
Hilary says
Haha, when mamma’s hungry…. I really think if you keep them in their carseat life goes on. But that’s me. 🙂
mira says
Seems a few readers are pretty offended and don’t understand this post! People usually accept that scientific advances render old technologies ‘wrong’ but have a hard time accepting that parenting techniques can be found to be wrong. It’s not just a difference of opinion – some are about health and safety! We’ve learned more about SIDS and other issues that DO make old ideas wrong – there was nothing wrong with practicing these things then, when the problem was unknown – but now that it’s known, you can say it’s wrong JUST as we know that using lead in paint is wrong (not “just different’) and just as we now know that beating children to cure speech impediments is wrong (and not ‘just different’). We learn over time and adapt to that new found knowledge over time. There’s no shame in having practiced old techniques when they were considered the proper way! (Sorry if my English is not great)
Hilary says
No, Mira — that’s how this blog is intended. A lot of new moms call me confused as to who to follow and why. I try to educate the WHY at work — but some nurses don’t. We’re doing it for new reasons. Who knows when those reasons will change again. 🙂
Elise @frugalfarmwife.com says
My mom was a big believer in letting people do what they believed was best for their baby. Although she did feel pretty strongly that breast is best. 🙂 Although she did tell me that tummy sleeping led to a higher risk of sids, I do remember that she used a bumper pad. We all survived though. 😉
Hilary says
That’s great. Sounds like you have a good one.
I used bumpers. Mine are alive. I’m the one who needs bumpers now. 🙂 (padded room)
Sandy says
Okay, here’s one for you. All the moms before me (my mom, my grandmother, aunts, mother-in-law, etc.) fed their babies solid food at a pretty early age. My daughter, who was born in 1989, went through the era where pediatricians said, “Their stomachs aren’t ready for solid food until they are a year old. Use formula only until one year. Use cereal only if you are convinced that they are hungry.” I think this was an idea to help the child avoid food allergies and GI problems. Anyway, to the horror of my mother-in-law, I waited to feed her solid food. Now, at 25 years old, she has more food allergies than I ever thought could be possible. I guess I messed up, although the allergist assured me that it wasn’t my fault. Still, I wonder if I’d introduced foods earlier, her immune system might have dealt with them better.
Hilary says
That seems to be one where medical opinion swings both ways. Don’t blame yourself! I bet it would’ve happened either way. Seems like a lot of that is inconclusive….
Sandy says
I hope you’re right! There are lots of various allergies on both sides of her family, so it may be more of a genetic thing.
Hilary says
Yes. Genetics go with that!
Patricia Trondsen says
My son has so many allergies and I waited till he was 6-7 months to start food because of what the doctors said. So are the doctors correct now??? I don’t think so. They are guessing!!!!
Hilary says
Oh, doctors are totally guessing. But, on most of these things the studies show this is safest. But, I agree — medicine is often a guessing game. 🙂
Sandy says
Some “old wives tales” are hilarious. When my daughter was a toddler, my husband was very gently and playfully holding her upside-down. My mother-in-law told him to stop that immediately, because it would “flip her liver upside down.” I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing. Sometimes it’s good to know the science of things!
Hilary says
Haha, I love that! Good thing I don’t stand in my head often! 🙂
Lauren says
Someone once told me not to put my arms over my head while I was pregnant, or I’d wrap the cord around the baby’s neck. My mother asked me later how I was supposed to get dressed in that case. The only thing she’s mentioned is that a BFd baby going through a growth spurt “must” need a formula top-up (nope), and a walking child who crawls should be called a baby to shame them into age-appropriate behaviour (nope). My father cheerily told me that babies “need” to cry (true in cases of overwhelm, same as adults) to develop their vocal cords (nope, that was jetlag, not development) and we should ignore it (nope-de-nope-nope). They’ve been willing to see an alternative point of view when it’s explained.
Hilary says
My friend’s husband’s mom told her not to wear black because it would make her baby ugly. 🙂
Made From Pinterest says
Good to know! Thanks for sharing!
Hilary says
hope it was helpful!
Sharyn says
I guess my Mom did what was right since I am here today at 66!
Hilary says
Haha, I guess she was!
Sharyn says
I guess my Mom did what was right since I am here today at 66! And my daughter will be 40 this year so I guess I did things right as well 🙂
Lea says
When I was raising my daughter, I recall she was about 3 years old. We were at my mother’s home. DD was doing something that she knew she was not supposed to be doing – even had that look in her eye that said “whatcha’ gonna do?” I started to discipline her when my mother spouted – remember she is only a child. It was something that my mother would have spanked me for when I was a child. My mother and I did not discuss this issue at the time. I followed through on my discipline. Later, I advised my mother of the fact that she would have spanked me for the same infraction whereas I only gave my DD a few minutes of timeout and a discussion as to why it was not to be tolerated. Mom still did not agree and thought I was being too harsh.
Hilary says
Haha, grandmas always think you’re being too mean. 🙂
Lea says
It really made me mad at the time. Now I do the SAME THING with my daughter and grandchildren. Really have to bite my tongue sometimes.
Hilary says
Yes, I am sure that will be a hard one for me. 🙂
Becca @The Earthlings Handbook says
Nice post! I feel fortunate to be dealing mostly with people who are more interested in learning why I do what I do than in telling me the old way is better.
We did not get our son circumcised. Back in the 1970s when my partner and my brother were born, both sets of parents had the boys cut, because at the time there was no question about whether it was the best thing. When I wrote about why we had made our decision, my partner’s parents sent a really nice email about why they made their decision, which I posted (with their permission) here:
http://articles.earthlingshandbook.org/2009/07/17/circumcision-the-earlier-generation/
My son is 9 now. When I went back to work after he was born, I pumped my milk into plastic bottles. About a year later .i began to hear about endocrine disruptors in plastic that leach into milk–and I just ignored it because I felt so stressed and he was beginning to give up bottles anyway. With my new baby, I will be using glass bottles. Live and learn!
Hilary says
Motherhood is ever evolving…. true story. 🙂
rebecca says
my Grandma was shocked when I said no solids before 6 months. “I was told pablum in the bottle at 3 weeks!” and my MIL said “oh my GOD, he’s going to STARVE!” (he’s 25 Lbs at 6 months lol)
Hilary says
Haha… compare formula with rice cereal. Formula is certainly more dense. 🙂
Heather K says
About a month before my first was born my mom asked if there wasn’t anything I was supposed to be doing to “toughen up” my nipples for breastfeeding. I was aghast. She also thought I should clean his umbilical cord with alcohol.
Sometimes I wonder how my siblings and I survived. My mom left my six month old in the bathtub alone to go find a towel and pajamas. My baby was in there for a couple of minutes alone before I went up (not realizing what was going on) so I stayed and my mom didn’t come back for almost two more minutes. Needless to say I haven’t left the kids with her during bath since.
Hilary says
I-yi-yi! Actually the alcohol thing still happens at some hospitals. The studies I’ve read seem to say it doesn’t help (or hurt). I’m sure a lot of what we do will be wrong in 20-30 years!
Yvonne says
i just read your post and I can totally relate. Well, if I’m honest I’m overwhelmed. I’m a first time mom to an almost 6 month old. I was forced, yes forced to start solids as early as 4 months by my mother, who I live with. I tried to tell her that I had done my research and the doctors and midwives suggested I put off solids till about 6 months but she does not care what they say. She has also forced me to formular feed because she believes I have no milk supply. I have resorted to just pumping when she isn’t around for later and breastfeeding my baby as well. I can’t believe I have to hide from my own mother when I breastfeed.
So now come to solids, i purée fruits and vegetables and also give her baby cereal. My mother will go onto say that the fruit and vegetables I’m feeding my baby aren’t nutritious and she will go ahead and roughly mash up whatever she’s having and give it to my baby. I’m so low at this point because my mother is the sort of person who believes she is always right and is quite emotionally abusive.
I have gone as far as threatening to ask a midwife over to speak to her about it but she won’t budge. My baby is constantly constipated and it breaks my heart to see her in pain but my mother refuses to let me mother my own child. FYI I’m 27 years old and very responsible in case you think there’s a reason as to why my mother on my case. Are there any suggestions you can make so that I address this issue about my mother feeding my baby inappropriate food and she also force feeds her which I think isn’t appropriate at just 6 months. I work part time and she is home nearly all the time. And I’m not financially ready to move out because if I could I would have long gone. Any suggestions please I’m at my wits end.
Hilary says
Well, Yvonne, I’d be scraping money together so fast to try to move out, that’d be my first priority but obviously you’re already on top of that. The reality is that even if she watches your child she will still have control while you’re gone. Have you brought her to a pediatrician’s appointment? Especially with the constipation, I am sure that’s from solids. Good luck, tough situation!
Deebi27 says
Well, this is quite a firestorm post! I did nothing “wrong” and I still don’t think ALL the research is always so perfect… Hopefully we as a society investigate and take the good and leave out the bad. It does not mean we were wrong…of course!
Maureen says
My mother-in-law was always telling me to put alcohol on my babies’ gums for teething. I explained to her that alcohol does not numb topically, so the only way it can help is if the baby is getting drunk and that since children metabolize alcohol differently than adults, there is no safe amount that you can give a baby. Yet, every single time I had a baby, she would suggest it all over again (I have five).
Hilary says
Haha…. I should put that one on the list, I’ve heard it a few times!
Jericho says
Gee, how the times change. While you passively aggressively alienate some moms, I’d like to open them up to a bit of contradictory information. Back to Sleep is NOT best. It causes Deformational Plagiocephaly (Flat Head Syndrome) which in turn leads to developmental delays and deficits, five times the occurrence of SIDS. It often results in significantly higher rates of learning disorders. Children who suffer from DP end up in cranial helmets and re-positional therapy, as well as occupational therapy by the age of 4 to rectify the lack of core/spine development. It has been noticed that children with DP have a serious lack in development, physically, mentally and emotionally. So much so, that several studies are in the works to backpeddle the old “back is best” standard from the 90’s.
Deformational Plagiocephaly is a result of sleeping on the back, laying in swings/carseats/bouncy chairs, and other parenting props so commonly used by the “new moms” who no longer take any of their mom’s advice (thankfully, my daughters take mine)
The SIDS numbers do not take into account a per capita ratio, but the developmental damage being caused by the Back to Sleep campaign is utterly astounding. Please start teaching your readers, and those new moms in your care, to start rolling their babies over. Back is Not Best.
KYocum says
If your child is ONLY on their back when sleeping, this won’t happen. What typically causes it is parents who consistently don’t hold their children or give them tummy time when awake. Sleeping alone won’t cause it. Or all 3 of mine would have had it.
But I broke several rules. We had bumpers & one small blanket.
I fed them rice cereal at 4 weeks. I know, horrible, but when your child is eating 6-8 oz every TWO hours….you’ve got to do something! I know part of it was a growth spurt, & part was because my milk had dried up & we’d been forced to switch to formula. I made it a week longer as I had each child, so it was the same issue 2 weeks after switching to formula every time.
But we’ve got 3 healthy kiddos, 14, 11, & 7. No food allergies of any kind. Some sinus issues here & there, but seasonal….and I live in goldenrod central, so it’s gonna happen!
All are very tall for their ages, & very active & bright. I might have hit the genetic lottery, or maybe I”m doing one or two things right!
Hilary says
Haha, we all do things that just end up working for us!
Jemma says
I saw this post and just had to leave a comment.
I certainly understand how times have changed, and naturally some things are for the better and some are not. I personally feel as though it is called balanced and being able to discern and filter methods, ideas and scientific facts.
I am sure that you will find that when your own children are grown, they too will reflect back on your methods of child rearing and find many things that you could have done better.
As Mothers, no matter the generation that we come from, I find that for the most part we all do the best we can do, with the resources and knowledge that we have available.
Hilary says
I couldn’t agree more. I just think a lot of girls get really confused when their doctor tells them one thing and their mom tells them another That’s all this post is for. 🙂