True Disciples.

I love my church.  I love the gospel, I love Jesus Christ.

But there is one thing that mystifies me.

How much is enough, and when do I know that I’ve hit my limit.  How do I balance the ability to parent/mother and still do acts of service, do my callings, do my other volunteer work.  How do I not feel like I am in a whirpool of my own design sucking me down.

How?

I have 3 children, and a husband.  I know they are my top priority.  Their needs come before my own most of the time.  I do this to my detriment, but it’s the mom’s way.  Honestly, we HAVE to put their needs before our own, or I would stay on the couch and watch TV/play with my phone all day long.  All. DAY. LONG.

I love serving my friends.  When a friend is in need I sometimes put this on my top shelf.  I love them.

I have a calling.  I may not be the biggest fan of it right now.  Our program went alright, but I feel like I am surrounded my children who want to suck my blood all the time.  I am SO thankful for conference weekend.  Otherwise I may have needed to go “out of town.”

I do volunteer work at the school.  I feel like this is important, and besides the simple acts of serving children, I also get the perks of knowing the teachers/principal/school.

I have a job that isn’t just a job.  I think it’s a calling of mine.  I take it really seriously, and it can be extremely stressful at times.  I don’t give myself allowance for that.

Drew is an assistant scout master, and we have a son who loves scouting.  But it can eat your life too.  Conner asked D to help pass sacrament yesterday, leaving me with the 2 kids and jitters and questions inside.  I also had a nervous P next to me who wanted to be held, touch all of my jewelry and crawl into my rib cage.  I wanted personal space.  Guess who won.  Drew takes on service while sometimes not thinking how it may affect me.  I don’t blame him, there are so many good things out there and I often look like I have it together even if I am wilted inside.  Why didn’t I just say no?

Do you ever wonder if the reason Jesus didn’t get married, is that God didn’t expect any of his daughters to suffer along with Christ, or to have him gone all the time, or to have Him worried about being home for her.  He was 100% able to focus on service.

I am drowning in a tub filled with good things.  I have no idea when to say no.  I always feel like I can shove a little more in my life, and I can just move to accommodate it, and a lot of times I can.  My jar is currently so full I have lost the love of Christ in it all.  I’m not enjoying the service.  I’m tired of children (both my own and others), I am tired of marriage and the work it entails, I am tired of all the other things I have roped myself into.

And while you’re drowning the light of Christ leaves you.  Things aren’t fun, I am not enjoying my life.  I am getting sucked down.

I went to Women’s Conference hearing “serve, keep your covenants, serve some more” and I have covenanted to serve others.  I just don’t know when serving others, becomes a dis-service to myself.  I have prayed to know the answer, to be willing when it’s really important, and less willing when it’s not.

But it’s all so much shades of grey to me.

How do you balance service and centering yourself.  Do you know me, do you have tips for me personally?  Should I quit the church?  They would still find me.  and ask me to bring a casserole to someone….