Ok, pull your panties out of their bunch… I’m not saying that the “best” moms are married or even that ALL smart moms ARE married. I am not writing this post to hurt feelings, but I am writing this post to cheer on healthy marriages!
You know the scene. You and your husband aren’t on the same page. You just want to SCREAM and throw things (ok, I may be the only person who wants to do that– I LOVE slamming doors, it’s not my finest quality). You cry a little in your room by yourself wondering how you ever got into this mess and why I should stay married?
And then there’s those little faces. The little ones that your love brought into this world. You’re responsible for their every need, their stability and their view of our world. I hate to say it, but smart moms stay married. They make the choice, every day to stay in the relationship often, due to their role as mother. They adjust, ebb and flow with their husband to make it work.
No one gets married planning to get a divorce. At least, most people don’t.
And marriage is hard.
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And I am WELL aware that plenty of women who mother better without the husband in their lives. I feel like someone needs to say that children are reared best when they have a loving father and mother who love each other (at least most of the time) and live in the same household. Someone needs to say you CAN do it!
I read this post about how having small kids makes marriage hard. It’s just a tough spot when you have small children. Constant needs, none of them either of yours. It’s all ups and downs.
And it takes some serious hand holding to get through the downs. My endless love for an eternal marriage is still one of my favorite posts that I’ve written.
**I will say that I’m grateful for divorce. I’m glad it’s an option, as I have the choice to stay married. I think there are plenty of times a woman NEEDS to leave a marriage. I am 100% behind leaving for domestic violence — obviously. Mandatory reporter here! I think there are times one spouse breaks your marriage vows that require serious consideration as to what the {smart} thing to do is. I get it. I admire women who hold it together without a spouse. Obviously many women are widowed as well. I’m not writing this post to hurt feelings. I am writing this post to say that making it work is a choice, and a good choice.
BUT I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Babies were meant to have a father and a mother, who live in their house and love each other. That isn’t to say that a great deal of work can compensate for another situation. There’s plenty of other situations in which children thrive. I just think mother nature has shown us the best way.
But, every day I make the choice to stay married, and so does my husband. Love is a choice, you don’t fall into it by chance after a few years. If it’s all chance you’ll fall out of it, just as easily as you fell into it.
So, what do you do to hold it together? I must say a good door slam sometimes does it for me. I realize that I can control myself, just like that door. Tell me in the comments!
{As a reminder, please keep any comments civil and respectful of all points of view, including my own — I know this is a hot-button topic, but I felt really strongly that this is one of the smartest, and hardest things that smart moms do, and I wanted to include it}
**{Smart} Moms is a relative term. I had to give it a name, but I am the first one to say I’m not smart all the time. There are times I can not STAND my husband! I just find it easier when I stay positive and comitted. This series is just a list of things I’ve found to make life easier — not to say — WOOT WOOT, I’m SOooooOOOO smart! {said like Steve Martin}
Check out all my other {smart} moms posts:[pt_view id=”4256a9870e”]
Alie B says
I totally agree. Staying together seems like the wrong thing at times; especially when we’re in the trenches, with multiple small children. I think the key is to always keep in mind that your spouse is in the trenches too. This is a temporary, although seemingly endless, difficult time. You just have to get through it. I think getting out TOGETHER is very important. If you don’t have built-in babysitters, like grandparents or other relatives, find a teen babysitter that you trust, and get out of the house, for goodness sake! Go out to dinner and a show, or see a band at the local pub/tavern/roadhouse. Remind yourselves what it’s like to be together without the constant demands of the children in the background. The other all important thing is to LISTEN as well as talk. When you feel listened to and understood by your spouse, the burden doesn’t seem as great. Always say “I love you” and mean it. Try to do sweet and considerate things for each other. Laugh and have fun. Enjoy private jokes. Hug and kiss. Treat your partner as you want to be treated.
Linda - Make Do and DIY says
While I agree that love (at least lasting love) is a choice, and you definitely have to work at your marriage and make the effort to make it work, especially when the kids are small, I am lucky enough to be in a happy, (mostly!) healthy marriage, like yourself, butI am also the kid of parents who stayed together way past when they should have called it a day, and it was so damaging.
There was no violence, my parents were just people who got married and had kids too fast, before they really had time to see if they were right for each other. They made the effort, they loved us, they did their best, and yet they weren’t happy and we knew that. They separated when I was 16 and all I can remember feeling is relief
.Kids aren’t stupid, they know what’s going on at home, and while in an ideal world all marriages could be saved by working on them and putting the effort in, that isn’t always enough, and having parents who are chronically unhappy is not something kids should have to worry about.
We were lucky that my parents made the effort post-divorce to make sure we were the most important thing, and we saw as much of both of them after as we did before (my dad had worked very long hours before but took more time off after to make sure he saw us regularly).
I think more than having parents that stay married in all instances other than extreme situations (which seems to be what you are saying) I think having parents who make sure their kids live in a happy, healthy home is more important, and sometimes that home has to be a little less “normal” than it would be in an ideal world.
Sorry for he essay, but this is something I feel strongly about!